Zip and a Kick!

DRIVING MISS FARRELL

2012-02-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

Bridget enlists Solomon to help her figure out Siobhan's motives, and finds yet more surprises and heartbreak. Shiv intends to take down Andrew as well as all of Martin/Charles, but Tyler may not be willing to help her for much longer. Juliet meanwhile proves to be just as manipulative and vindictive as any adult on this show.

As the title of the recap suggests, Bridget spends most of the episode being driven around by Solomon (former Cruel Intentions co-star!), and it's basically a way more twisted version of Driving Miss Daisy. She purports that she's newly sober, which is why she's asking incredibly suspicious questions about her "own" past. Apparently Bridget would have Solomon believe that going to the shooting range was something she enjoyed doing while drunk...okay. Anyway, she finds Siobhan's secret office in Harlem (more upscale than the Clinton office, as it were) as well as a mysterious key. Siobhan watches from the closet with her lady pistol at the ready, but keeps silent.

Speaking of Siobhan, she's feeding Henry this humdinger of a story: It was Bridget's idea to swap lives, since she was on the run from Bodaway and Shiv wanted a get-out-of-marriage-free card to be with Henry. His reaction? "That's insane." He's getting smarter! Siobhan needs the key that Bridget stole, in order to open the [THING] which holds the evidence she'll use to bring down Martin/Charles. She manages to sneak into the penthouse to retrieve it, but gets busted by Andrew. They share a brief exchange and a kiss (both incredibly awkward) before Shiv literally runs away.

Back in the land of aggravated sexual assault, Juliet's lawyer (Alanna Ubach!!) is getting everyone prepared for her upcoming testimony. Catherine is back for some reason, and manages to spend the entire episode without a drink in her hand. After Juliet flubs part of her story, Catherine lets loose - proving that just because she's sober doesn't mean she's not still a total bitch. Juliet's testimony at the courthouse (a few days later) happens offscreen, but in the ladies room Tessa the Tearful Teenage Tormenter confesses that she made it all up. Beyonce overhears it from the stall, however, and not only do the charges get dropped - but now Mr. C is suing Andrew for defamation of character. Bridget and Catherine come to an understanding about Juliet's bleak future should this ordeal continue, and individually convince Andrew to settle so everyone can move on.

Of course all is revealed in a Midtown hotel room, where Juliet, Tessa and Mr. C convene to drink whiskey and celebrate the big scheme the managed to pull off. It's almost exactly the plot of Wild Things, if you're still not following. Juliet gets her trust fund back, Mr. C never has to teach public school again, and Tessa will probably just buy lots of peroxide and black eye shadow. Oh, Juliet. I was totally on your side.

How it ends: Siobhan brings Henry to a bank to open her safety deposit box, and lets him listen to something being stored inside on headphones. The audience doesn't get to hear. Insert Shocked Henry Face Here. And now, the photocap!

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I feel that it's worth mentioning that I completely called the Wild Things subplot back in episode four, without even realizing it. A lot of good it did me, though, as I still shrieked like a banshee at the big reveal. My beloved Juliet! I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Also, in plotlines that just weren't that interesting: Alien Cher (welcome back!) extorts Henry into making Guh-emma's ailing, filthy rich father invest in Martin/Charles. It works. And thanks to Siobhan's plan, Henry gets left holding the bag once again. Plus side: no Malcolm again this week!

HEARTS & MINDS

2012-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Known for an abundance of sugar and the occasional massacre, Valentine's Day is here once again! I've always been of the mind to enjoy this day, as commercial and sometimes mis-focused as it can be. Love it or hate it, I hope you can enjoy today with me...even if it's only for a few minutes!

I decided to make my own valentines this year, because I felt that some of my favorite media wasn't getting the proper attention. The internet proceeded to beat me to the punch with posting various pop culture DIY cards, but mine are "niche". Print 'em out and share with the ones you love/like/tolerate!

_______________________________

And now a warning: Look out for Cupid, gang! Be sure you think with both your heart AND your mind today...especially if there's champagne involved! Now get out there and love someone.

WORKIN' FOR CHARLIE (PART II)

2012-02-12T17:02:00.000-08:00

In part two of a special feature, it's time to buckle up and take an action-packed technicolor trip with McG's Charlie's Angels sequel. More punching! More dancing! More wigs!

Three years after the original film, the stars aligned once again (sans Bill Murray) for Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Sure, it's a silly title - but it's also the best parts of the first movie dialed up to eleven, with more than a few surprises. Sometimes sequels can surpass their predecessor, and here are some highlights!

Dylan (Barrymore), Natalie (Diaz) and Alex (Liu) are tasked with recovering two stolen rings, which when combined contain the encrypted files / secret identities of everyone in the Witness Protection Program. Hot on their trail are former Angel Madison Lee (Demi Moore) and Dylan's dangerous ex-boyfriend Seamus O'Grady (Justin Theroux).

So strap on your Kevlar vests and flying pantsuits...here we go!

Best mission code language EVER.

'Cause she's such a bad-ass, get it?

Don't worry ladies and gays, there's lots of male gratuity!

Direct from McG's spank bank.

Just look at that guy. What a "busta".

Bright blue habits FTW.

For some reason John Cleese feels really believable as Alex's dad. Acting!

The Grease shout-out was almost too much for my excited little heart to handle.

Gasp! An original Angel!

The woman with the golden guns.

Fallen Angel, extra crispy.

Bad guys vanquished - time to party!

___________________________

Beyond all the ass-kicking and screaming and disguises, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle has another secret weapon in its arsenal. Rodrigo Santoro! Before he would go on to wow the world as Paulo (of Nikki & Paulo fame) on Lost, he wowed us in this non-speaking role as Hot Piece Henchman Randy Emmers. Here are his scenes, boiled down to their essence:

(Click to make 'em bigger)

Thanks for making the trip back with me, gang! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Now we just need Drew Barrymore to stop making movies about whales and get the Angels back together for a third film!

WORKIN' FOR CHARLIE (PART I)

2012-02-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

In the first of a two-part feature, it's time to take a high octane drive down memory lane with McG's Charlie's Angels films. Hold on to your wigs!

At the turn of the millennium, a music video director helmed the big screen update of Charlie's Angels - and lo, it was awesome. It was before the fatigue had really set in on film versions of classic TV, and casting Cameron Diaz / Lucy Liu / Drew Barrymore certainly didn't hurt, either. In Part I, let's revisit some highlights that made this action comedy so damn fun!

Charlie's newest Angels Natalie (Diaz), Alex (Liu) and Dylan (Barrymore) take a case to locate kidnapped software engineer Eric Knox (Sam Rockwell). All signs point to the nefarious Roger Corwin (Tim Curry), who could use his satellites with Knox's software to turn anyone's cell phone into a homing device. Or as they put it, "the end of privacy".

So straighten your weave, find something skintight, and let's do this!

I'll never forget the first time I watched this scene. My choreographed dreams haven't been the same since.

Pretty, nerdy Natalie! Did Zooey Deschanel watch this movie on a loop before she got famous?

There's so much hair-flipping! And it's still not enough!

Prodigy already had their moment in the sun with this song, but the Angels made it relevant again. While beating the shit out of Crispin Glover.

Look, guys. Sometimes science is just EASY. We don't have all day to sit around and wait for fake fingerprints from a lab.

Melissa McCarthy before she was famous! Still just as funny. Natalie and Dylan in drag, however? Just plain creepy.

If you weren't enamored of Lucy Liu's Alex at this point, you're a monster.

I'd like to see Angelina Jolie try this kind of hacking!

MORE DANCING! And welcome back, Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Alex will destroy you. With a muhfuggin' RUSTY CHAIN.

All with her hands tied, even!

Bad guys vanquished - time to drink!

________________________________

Check back this weekend for a thorough(ly fun) examination of Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. A lot of people seem to dislike this sequel, but I'm here to tell you that it's even better than the original. So there!

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

2012-02-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

Bridget's casual detective work pays off this week, sending Siobhan into damage control...and potentially out of the country. Juliet's champagne-dependent mother arrives to "support" her maybe-victimized daughter, and Henry gets a whole lot more than he bargained for after bringing Agent Machado back to New York.

We open with Bridget leaving a voicemail for Malcolm. He's visiting his cousin (?), but don't get too excited - he took the job as an IT minion for Martin/Charles, so he's not going anywhere. She returns home to the penthouse, only to join a bottle-poppin' party already in progress. When Juliet arrives moments later - disqualifying her as a suspect - we see that it's actually Andrew's ex / Juliet's mom, Catherine. It should come as no surprise that she and Siobhan hate each other, because...well, most people hate Siobhan.

Shiv is a woman about town, trying to sell the ring she stole while Bridget was showering. $15k is apparently enough to do...whatever it is she's trying to do, which includes obtaining a fake passport. Tyler's still in Paris, and he's anxious for Siobhan and "his" baby to return. Bridget's hot on her trail without understanding any of the specifics, and starts cold calling the generally clueless members of Team Siobhan. In doing so, she's able to connect the dots re: Tyler (thanks, Claudine!) and knows that something is definitely up.

Henry also has this feeling, after stalking Siobhan during her shady errands. The poor thing finally thinks he's got it all figured out, and rides his Sherlock Holmes high all the way to the top: Summoning Agent Machado back to NYC. They think they've got Bridget posing as Siobhan, while both men are completely unaware of how close/so far away they are from the truth. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has this craaaazy idea to run Shiv's fingerprints, which of course exonerates her of, y'know, being Rock Springs Trash.

Meanwhile, Juliet's ~~rape~~ aggravated sexual assault case isn't going so hot, and it only gets worse when her LadyPrincipal shows up at the penthouse with remarkably clear security camera footage (from a janky PUBLIC SCHOOL in New York City) showing Juliet mounting Mr. C - who doth protest - in the hallway. Sidebar: This girl can do ANYTHING. I love Juliet. This sends an already unstable Catherine into a rage attack so booze-soaked you can practically feel the champagne bubbles tickle your nose. Her hot messiness finally becomes too much for Andrew, who rightfully loses his shit while having the most level-headed, sincere, appropriate moment of clarity that anyone has ever had on this show. He tosses her out like garbage (all bottles, and gallon jug) in defense of his daughter, who he pretty much admits is either mentally ill or a sociopath (You go, girl!). But don't look now: a couple days later, who shows up at the penthouse but TESSA THE TEEN TORMENTER! She quickly becomes Tessa the Tearful Teen Tormenter, confessing that Mr. C forced her to have sex with him, too!

How it ends: Siobhan convinces Henry to meet her, so she can "show him something"...which in reality is a someone: Bridget. Henry's brain manages not to explode with this reveal, as well as the one that Siobhan is still pregnant - with their child. Onto the photocap!

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I imagine that this will eventually become one of my favorite episodes of the series. Fast-paced and twisty, with a lot of payoff, drinking, and YELLING. Snaps to Ioan Gruffudd for genuinely flexing his muscles (dramatic and otherwise), and really breaking out of his emotional box. And I know I didn't mention it in the recap above, but it was nice to see the series re-introduce Bodaway Macawi. If we're going by the Buffy model, Siobhan was the "Little Bad" in the beginning of the season - with Macawi eventually proving how much of a threat he really is to our girls and becoming the "Big Bad" relatively soon. I'm on board. This crazytrain ain't stoppin'!

Ringer Recap returns next week, February 14th. Will there be a theme?!

A LIVELY DEBATE

2012-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

Blake Lively shares her thoughts on family planning in the upcoming issue of Elle, and inadvertently opens herself up to a world of controversy over her use of the word "tranny". Is an apology inevitable?

It's sad when such a luminous gal can behave so...dimly. Covering the March issue of Elle (available February 14th), Blake Lively tells the interviewer about her ideal family. Unfortunately, she makes a mistake that's become quite trendy in Hollywood these days...

"I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated."

Ruh-roh. GLAAD has yet to issue a statement, but it seems almost certain that it's coming. Neil Patrick Harris recently made the slip-up and apologized, whereas RuPaul doesn't see a problem with using "The T Word". While good intentions are clearly the common thread here - I'm almost certain none of these folks meant any disrespect to the trans community - it's becoming clear that this is one faux pas that can no longer be excused.

As the fight for equality rages on, this war of the words shows us how our own communities are evolving. I'll admit that I was on the wrong side of this issue at the beginning, but times they are a-changin'. As someone who is not transgender, I understand that it's simply not "my" word to use - especially if it's going to offend an entire group of people.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. But if we've learned anything from Serena Van der Woodsen, it's that she's not one to hide from a scandal. And since Ms. Lively is certainly no stranger to the world of gossip, now would be a good time to issue a mea culpa - before the backlash.

What do you think? Should Blake's people be readying damage control now...or wait to see if it simply blows over?

BEST FACE FORWARD

2012-01-31T21:00:00.000-08:00

Ringer returns from its long hiatus, and Bridget's life certainly isn't getting any easier. Siobhan's back in town with things other than murder on her mind, and old friends resurface in the midst of planning a charity event for Juliet's school. It's time for frenemies, fashion, and fisticuffs!

Welcome back, Ringer! It feels like the show has been on break for 6 months, am I right? I'm not at all ashamed to say that I've missed it. Well, it's back! And SPOILER ALERT: it's crazier than ever.

Since we last left Bridget, she's become so comfortable in Siobhan's life that she has literally let her hair down - SMG's bangs have returned. She and Andrew meet their other married couple friends (y'know, the ones that are still alive) Greer and...husband. I've watched this episode a few times and he just doesn't register. Greer on the other hand, once played a duchess that used to bang Nate Archibald on Gossip Girl. And it turns out that she's got bad blood with Siobhan! Bridget uses subtle hints and internet research to narrow down her list of suspects to 1) a hotel chain, or 2) an entire species of flower.

Siobhan meanwhile is running around New York City like an insane person, sneaking into Andrew's office (not on Claudine's watch!) and later into the apartment, in order to get a copy of the Martin/Charles Financial annual report. THERE MAY BE DISCREPANCIES! In between these covert operations, she's manages to further ruin Henry's life by confessing her love and promptly standing him up. This poor guy, I swear. Not even a visit from Agent Machado cheers him up, because basically Guh-emma is dead and no one cares anymore.

Juliet is sticking to her ~~rape~~ aggravated sexual assault story, insisting that Mr. Carpenter is a monster. That being said, she confides to Beyonce that she'd rather just leave it in the past, because Siobhan finally doesn't hate her anymore. So she can't shit on that miracle! Things go horribly awry when Bridget chooses the apartment as the venue for her and Greer's public school charity auction, and Mr. C shows up. Juliet gets trashed and makes a scene, but the real spectacle comes later, with Bridget unleashing her special brand of Wyoming hellfire and decking Carpenter. Which of course makes everything worse for Juliet. Because...maybe he didn't actually ~~rape~~ commit aggravated sexual assault against her? Being a high school rape victim on The CW can really ruin things for you. Just look at Naomi on 90210! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Her life is still pretty awesome. Regardless, there's no turning back now. On to the photocap!

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I'm also beyond excited to share an amazing gift I received earlier this month...a framed Ringer poster, signed and personalized by series co-creators Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder, as well as Sarah Michelle Gellar herself!

Infinite thanks to Robert & everyone involved with the show, and to all of you for supporting the recaps. We've still got 11 episodes of scandalous soap noir-pra to look forward to!

MIX-N-MASH MONDAYS 01.30.12

2012-01-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

This week's track - another mash-up! - combines Florence + The Machine with German duo Final DJs, from a brand new Mix-N-Mash Mondays contributor. Take a listen!

I'm thrilled to introduce a new contributor to MNMM, who no doubt will be dazzling your ears for many posts to come. Distraktor hails from up North in the Bay Area, and his impressive works spans the best parts of pop to progressive/house/electro and more. You can check out more of his sounds here, including this week's Florence + The Machine / Final DJs mash-up "Cosmic Nightflies":

Cosmic Nightflies [Distraktor's No Dawn Reboot]

(Cosmic Love + Nightflies)

Florence and the Machine vs. The Final DJs

Free Download

So go ahead and get your week started off right. And hopefully we'll be hearing more from Distraktor this year!

MURPHY FAMILY VALUES

2012-01-27T14:02:00.000-08:00

No doubt thanks to the mandatory whims of Ryan Murphy, the supernaturally handsome Matthew Bomer will be guest starring as an older brother to Darren Criss' Blaine. Let the inappropriate fantasies begin!

There are times when I really, really like having a blog. This is one of those times. Y'see - if I didn't have a blog, that would mean that I sourced and combined these photos of the UBER hot Matthew Bomer and Darren Criss for no other reason than to satiate my own crazy pervy-ness. But thanks to Ryan Murphy, now I have an excuse!

MattyBomes will be coming to Glee later this season to play Blaine's heretofore unmentioned older brother. And since my lust for Darren Criss has now reached the point where it could be more accurately described as infatuation, this is definitely big news. Plus, I can only imagine that Bomer will be filming his appearance concurrently with the cinematic festival of flesh known as Magic Mike. He should bring his costumes!

Glee has a storied history of introducing characters' family members only when a plot requires it, but I'm not going to criticize this bit of casting. There may be a whole new writing team in place this season, but it's not difficult to see when HomoMogul Ryan Murphy is clearly stepping in to lay down some "creative" decrees.

So I wish to express my gratitude, Mr. Murphy! Thanks for knowing when we actually need you around.

SMOKIN' & STYLIN'

2012-01-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

When last we checked in with the faux Hollywood power couple of Garrett Hedlund and Armie Hammer (H-Squared), they were burning up an arbitrary awards ceremony. Now they're getting different varieties of action on the red carpet...and the border.

I still haven't seen J. Edgar, despite the fact that Armie Hammer kinda sorta plays gay. It's like Michael Fassbender (...sigh...) in Shame: someone needs to lend me a screener, and tell me which scene to watch.

In the meantime, I'll settle for the hilarious news that Mr. Hammer was busted at the US border in West Texas for possession of the weeeeed. Or rather, 0.02 ounces of weed, three cookies and a brownie. No doubt to distract him from the heartbreak he felt from being so far away from Garrett Hedlund.

Of course, GarrHeds is taking in the scene at Sundance this week. And without his beloved Armie by his side, he clearly had no choice but to keep warm with obvious beard Kirsten Dunst. Dr. Sunken Tits' influence is clearly affecting him, as Mr. Hedlund was recently modeling for a Prada show with that damn Country Strong facial hair - and in a multi-patterned, shapeless ensemble that's practically screaming to be returned to Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe.

Here's hoping that H-Squared is reunited soon. Armie's definitely going to need some comforting after that Oscar snub. Perhaps with a bubble bath and some of those baked goods?

YACHT THIS WAY

2012-01-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

The year was 1987. Goldie Hawn (playing against type) tries "bitch" on for size in Garry Marshall's Overboard. The only thing more colorful than her insults was her outlandish wardrobe, which we'll revisit today in all its sequined, accessorized glory!

Acting opposite her future long-term romantic partner Kurt Russell, Goldie plays a seaward c-word with lots of money and even more attitude...who proceeds to fall off her yacht and loses her memory. There's a ludicrous riches-to-rags plot going on here, but I would like to focus on the pure joy of this movie: Joanna Stayton. Hawn's pre-amnesia character is not only spoiled, vindictive and cruel to Roddy McDowall - she also looks FIERCE the whole damn time. Please to enjoy some of Joanna's greatest looks!

FASHION CORNER

featuring Overboard

Champagne wishes and caviar screams.

Hats 'n bling, do your thing!

Separated at ~~birth~~ assembly?

The sunglasses! A touch of Hill Valley in Elk Cove.

I can't even tell you how many times I've said this.

Birds of a feather.

Gorgeous Goldie spends most of the movie looking like this. Ugh.

Thank god, she got her ~~memory~~ money back!

If the Sparkling Diamond wants a beer, she's gonna drink a beer.

Okay, so the happy ending is actually when she gets back with Kurt Russell. But tequila shots with Roddy and a crew of seamen?

Way more fun.

Overboard is a gem of a rom-com, and it's even more entertaining when you consider all the ways that NONE of this could ever happen nowadays. Hell, it was barely plausible in the 80s. But it sure is a lot of ridiculous-fashion-filled fun! Joanna Stayton forever!

MIX-N-MASH MONDAYS: 01.16.12

2012-01-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Whitney Houston and Robyn come together in a seamless mash-up of two of their biggest hits. Prepare to turn any flat surface into a dance floor!

While we wait impatiently for Robyn's next album, the wizened space-elf's existing work stays in rotation thanks to DJs, gay men, and gay DJs. This week's featured mash-up (it's been a really long time since we had one of those!) from Zooash uses Robyn's "Dancing On My Own" as the backdrop for Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" - and it's heaven.

Dancing In Houston

(Dancing On My Own + I Wanna Dance With Somebody)

Robyn vs. Whitney Houston

Free Download

Whether you're on the job today or enjoying a three-day weekend on account of MLK Day, here's hoping this helps get the week off to a good start!

A GIFT FROM THE HILL

2012-01-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

I've never watched One Tree Hill. The thought of it makes my eyes roll, which I fully admit is quite an elitist thing to say coming from someone who endorses Gossip Girl, 90210 and most recently Ringer. But whatever, it just looks generic and uninteresting to me. I did however find this Vulture post particularly helpful/hilarious in explaining everything that has happened in 174 episodes in 3 paragraphs.

It doesn't really touch on just why Laguna Beach's hopelessly stupid Stephen Colletti joined the cast, but finally in their final season premiere they gave us a reason to care. Thanks to Socialite Life for watching and screencapping so we didn't have to.

If anyone can get me an update on what Stephen's castmate Trey from Laguna Beach s1 is up to, I'd be most appreciative. Thx.

FEAR NO DISCO

2012-01-13T13:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday the 13th!

It may not happen regularly - but just like Jason Voorhees, you know it's never too far behind you. To celebrate, I thought I would share my absolute favorite version of the Friday the 13th theme: the disco mix from Part 3(D)! Yes, it's completely ridiculous. No, it's not scary. Yes, you should dance to it:

And while I am breaking tradition somewhat by NOT watching a scary movie this evening, I still intend to be traumatized with fear and/or hyperventilating with laughter...

Wish me luck! Dolly Parton's character is named G.G. Sparrow. Queen Latifah is going to say some horrible things to her. At points, there will be singing. It still has to better than the F13th remake, right? RIGHT?

VIRGIN SENSIBILITIES

2012-01-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

In the dozens of titles in the Zip and a Kick! Criterion Collection, one can expect to find an entire sub-category of "Childhood Favorites That Went Almost Entirely Over My Head At The Time". For example: In Dirty Dancing, I obviously didn't understand Penny's abortion, I just thought she had a headache. And try explaining to this 7 year-old what a NAZI is while he's trying to watch Angela Lansbury cast spells and fly a bed in Bedknobs & Broomsticks. Sometimes the details didn't quite stick, okay?

In the case of Once Bitten, however, it turns out I was as perceptive as I could have been back in the day. It became pretty obvious within the first few minutes of re-watching - for the first time in many years, this time on DVD - that my working knowledge of this 1985 Vampire Sex Comedy was entirely based on a version (or versions) edited for television. So what's the verdict, a couple of decades later?

Well, this movie isn't just way more overtly sexual - it's way more homosexual, too. Aside from Lauren Hutton's openly gay manservant Sebastian (Cleavon Little RIP), there's also Golden Girls-esque drag, a scene in the shower of the guys' locker room, and more. Throw in the fact that Jim Carrey was super young and not horribly unattractive, and it pretty much makes perfect sense why I used to be obsessed.

If I'm indoctrinating you for the first time, here's the plot: Lauren Hutton stars as Countess, a 390 year-old lady vampire, who must consume the blood of a virgin three times before the stroke of midnight on Halloween to sustain her "youth".

Our virgin of course is Jim Carrey, playing the goofy high school senior Mark Kendall. His steady girlfriend Robin (Karen Kopins) won't put out, so Mark and his two equally horny but way weirder friends decide to go to a bar in capital letters HOLLYWOOD to get laid. If you guessed that he'd meet Countess - congratulations! You've seen at least one movie made in the 80's.

Actual dialogue.

Aiding Countess in her virgin quest is none other than BFF Sebastian, who holds the title as the gayest black guy character in a movie until Mesach Taylor gives us Hollywood Montrose in Mannequin a few years later. Not just implied. GAAAAAAAAY.

I digress. Let's trace Mark's unforgettable journey into the world of bloodsucking cougars!

"HOLLYWOOD? That's where all the weirdos are!" More actual dialogue.

Greetings from HOLLYWOOD! In the remake, this lion would be taking a personality test from boulevard Scientologists.

They don't speak for the whole movie. It's fine.

One day I will reopen this club.

Somewhere, Bea Arthur is pulling off "woman" better than this guy. And she's dead.

The movie basically drives itself from this point...

GET IT? It DRIVES itself! And then there's a car! I'm sorry.

Let's check in on Sebastian.

In case you were worried.

This is one horny ginger. Whoa.

I've had this exact same dream! Only with Trevor Donovan, a turquoise flamingo, and 100% less accordion playing.

I used to scream laugh every time she pushed that old lady into the clothing rack. Also: THAT'S A CLOTHING STORE.

What do you think, Sebastian?

You sticky-fingered bitch!

Karen Walker: The Early Years.

Two women fighting over the same man? Let's take this to the dance floor!

I can't remember the names of Mark's friends after watching this movie last week, but I remember the locker room/shower scene vividly from my childhood. So there's that.

There's so much bat imagery throughout. That's what I call lazy production design.

We all have that person in our lives who feeds on virgins to stay young-looking...right?

How many teenage couples saw this movie, had sex in a coffin, got caught, and said they were merely trying to escape the clutches of Lauren Hutton? Anyone care to wager?

Because this movie was made in 1985, I hope you're not too surprised to learn that Robin's chastity and Mark's virginity expire just in time. And because of this, Countess gets special-effected back into a woman in her late 70's. Which is still over 300 years younger than she should be. So I guess it's happily-ever-afters all around!

There's always a risk when revisiting a movie you loved as a kid but have never watched as an adult. After the disastrous event that was going back to Transylvania 6-5000 (shudder), I was thrilled to find that Once Bitten is even more of a tongue-in-cheek campfest outside the confines of USA Up All Night. And here's to Sebastian, another surprise gay influence! This movie really does have it all.

WEHO AD WATCH: 01.07.12

2012-01-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

People traffic was at its best today, as all over the city people were out & about enjoying the warmth of SoCal January. Here's a look at the West Hollywood ad landscape for the beginning of 2012.

During my walk to Starbucks this afternoon, I encountered a fair share of Weho staples. Hot shirtless joggers, boyfriends having drama outside the gym, Leslie Jordan...it truly was a sunshine day, as The Brady Bunch once sang. I even found some perfect entries for Weho Ad Watch, to boot! Click all images to make 'em bigger.

At SnoBar (formerly the Quiznos that used to blast dance music), they've opted for apocalyptic humor to promote their ice cream / shaved ice hybrid.

Block Party - self-proclaimed "The Gayest Store on Earth" - seems to be experiencing some indecision regarding Summer and Winter. One thing's for sure: Spring and Fall can just go RIGHT TO HELL.

Just down the boulevard at Rage, a large and deceptive sign seems to offer a sandwich and five beers for $10. Even without the fine print, the catch is that you have to eat at Rage.

When the holidays are over, they're over. And sometimes you just wanna say "Fuck it."

Hope everyone's enjoying their weekend! There's some nifty stuff headed your way next week. JOE OUT!

CAREER OPTIONS

2012-01-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

Look, I'm not judging here. I love me some Taco Bell. And one would assume that since there's seemingly always a new "Work Here" poster, this is probably an effective form of recruitment for the Bell.

But I saw this one while grabbing lunch today (LEST YE BE JUDGED), and was pretty dumbstruck by the strange cast of characters they've decided to feature. Click for a closer look:

Y'see, my issue here is not with one's employment at Taco Bell, but rather this bizarre representation of it on behalf of the Taco Bell marketing or HR departments (I'm guessing?). And I've got proof!

EXHIBIT A

When have you ever seen THIS many employees at a Taco Bell at the same time? There's at least 8 people in this shot. And isn't it weird that none of them are customers? Which brings me to...

EXHIBIT B

Why aren't any of these people working? You can kind of see that it's daytime. Based on my patronage, I've never seen it to be this much of a laid-back, friendship-making, never-ending food party.

EXHIBIT C

Disembodied arms aren't allowed to work in the foodservice industry.

Gotta go work on a different post, now. And that screwdriver ain't just gonna fix itself!

MIX-N-MASH MONDAYS: 01.02.12

2012-01-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

Singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey may be a relative newcomer, but she's already attracting the attention of both record execs and other artists. Let her attract your attention with the first Mix-N-Mash Monday track of 2012!

It's time to add another name to the "ridiculously talented people under 30" list. Her name is Elizabeth Grant, and she's 25 years old. She's more well-known by her stage name, Lana Del Rey, and there's nothing inexperienced about her sound. I've been hearing people talk about her a lot recently, and then I heard an amazing remix from Penguin Prison for a song called "Blue Jeans". A musical match made in sonic heaven. I'm a believer!

Blue Jeans (Penguin Prison Remix)

Lana Del Rey

Free Download

Most of y'all have today off in celebration of the new year (2012 is pretty spectacular, so far!), which is always a great way to start the week. Here in LA, it's time to get out and soak up some warm January sunshine! With another glass of champagne, perhaps?

WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING...200 CIGARETTES?

2012-01-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2012, gang! I thought I would start January off with the next entry in my 'Why Aren't You Watching?' series, with a star-studded holiday flop of epic proportions. Before there was New Year's Eve, there was 200 Cigarettes.

The format: I'll provide you with the trailer, and 5 'caps for good measure. My hope is that by the end you'll either want to watch it immediately, or you'll experience MovieTingle™ from revisiting an old favorite. Here we go!

200 Cigarettes (1999)

Are you ready to brave the celebrity gauntlet and see who ends up with who? It's a fun, weird romp through New York City on the last night of 1981 - and believe me when I say that it requires very little brain power to enjoy. Maybe you'll see why I wore out my VHS copy...or maybe not. Hit the comments and let me know! Until next time...

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

2011-12-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

Happy December, everyone! What's that? It's almost over? Another year is dunzo? Well, shit. I've been an incredibly busy fellow this month, so please accept my apologies for the total lack of updates since late November.

The good news is that I've actually been, y'know...doing stuff! Some pretty bitchin' stuff, to boot. This year marked my first Christmas here in California since moving here 11 years ago, and I more than made up for the lack of snow with a whirlwind month.

Here are some highlights...

The touring exhibition for Amtrak's 40th anniversary rolled into Union Station one weekend, so my good friend James and I took the subway downtown for a day of fun and exploration.

Fuck, did you know Amtrak's trains used to be intergalactic?

Ladies and gentlemen, Rihanna!

They wanted money to visit this other train. NO THANKS I'LL JUST GET A PHOTO.

The always beautiful and amazing Union Station.

Restaurant space at Union Station reserved for private events. Like my 30th birthday celebration?

There may be some debate as to Philippe's claim that they invented the French Dip sandwich, but I couldn't care less. It's so damn good.

My first visit to Olvera Street! Wikipedia hilariously refers to it as "a colorful Mexican marketplace".

Don't find yourself cheated by other nativity brokers!

Obligatory Occupy Wall Street photograph. That's City Hall in the background (obvi).

The Walt Disney Concert Hall. Spectacular. End of story.

Angels Flight, the world's shortest railway! It's 298 feet of 33% grade (as in, it's on a hill) fun. There's even a Bette Midler banner about recycling inside!

The sun had just about set. Love.

HIGH DRAMA

That's City Hall reflected on the LAPD headquarters. I hope the latter was designed with this in mind.

Judge Doom-esque tile mural man at the Universal City Red Line station.

Surprise! They opened a 2nd Cabo Cantina (Fiesta's straight cousin) on Hollywood Boulevard! And this isn't forced perspective - the drinks are ENORMOUS.

Glee found new and inventive ways to out-gay itself for their second Christmas episode. It was completely bizarre and overwhelmingly charming.

The CW Holiday Party! Here's me with one of the Happy Feet 2 penguins. There was another one, but he was tall and had a really terrifying face.

The Americana at Brand is essentially The Grove, made especially for Glendale. Hence the outdoor chandeliers. It faux-snows here, too!

The strange thing is...I don't remember Santa being in the frame! Dun dun DUN.

One night there was a viewing of Look Who's Talking Now. Yes, the one with the dogs. But also Charles Barkley!

The night I saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in IMAX, there was a truly awful charity concert for the gay-hating Salvation Army going on at CityWalk called..."Rockin' the Red Kettle". There were HUNDREDS of people.

During Mom's visit, we of course visited Disneyland. It's required, after all!

Spotted this amazing gallery window after popping into Magnolia Bakery to say hi to the banana pudding.

My boss got this 8-bit wreath for the office, and he hung it across from my desk so I could stare at it all day. Yep, I still love my job!

A recently renovated building near my house was turned into an Apple Store, complete with...fake trees and snow? Turns out it was just so they could film a commercial.

It's the little things.

During Dad's visit, we went to Santa Monica Pier (among lots of other things, don't worry). Never noticed this 'End of Route 66' display before!

Just a tiny sampling of the extraordinary Cirque Du Soleil Iris show. It's at the Kodak Theatre. GO SEE IT.

Last but certainly not least, just a few days ago I got a brand new car. She's a 2012 Fiat 500 Pop, and I love her!

And there you have it. Dual parental visits, exciting local tourist adventures, and some genuinely spectacular entertainment. It has definitely been an exhausting month, but in the absolute best way possible. And now it's almost New Year's Eve!

CASUALTIES OF WAR

2011-11-29T22:00:00.000-08:00

The mid-season finale finds our cast of characters in deeper than ever, with Bridget losing control of her emotions and Siobhan losing control of her Bro Henchman. Agent Machado makes some headway thanks to an unlikely source, while Juliet will do almost anything to sleep with her teacher. And if you still care about Gemma, your burden may be lifted sooner than later.

Tonight's installment (the last until January) resolved some of the back burner mysteries, and finally brought Siobhan back to Manhattan. Charlie/John ("CJ") has gone full-tilt evil and wants to kill Guh-emma, despite Shiv's protestations. She meets Tyler for an unfriendly drink, where she tells him that Andrew gave her a black eye. In truth she's given it to herself with the doorknob of her medicine cabinet (!!!!), proving that it's become much harder to tell which twin is crazier.

Discovering that CJ is holding Guh-emma hostage, Bridget breaks down and agrees to pay the ransom...on the evening of "her" 6-year anniversary with Andrew, with whom she has sex with early on in the episode (it's candlelit and awkward). Doing what he does best, Henry manages to fuck up the exchange at Penn Station - CJ knows the cops are onto him and shoots Guh-emma in the trunk of his car.

Meanwhile, in Rock Springs - Agent Machado loses yet another informant...Amber Benson, playing a stripper! Bodaway got to her, but not before she revealed that the mole in his department goes by 'The Matador'. His partner Jimmy (who's hotter than any other guy on this show...handle this, CW) is of course the double agent, and lures him to some kind of poultry warehouse trap. But Machado's too smart for that, and the tricker becomes the trickee!

On an entirely different show altogether - Juliet finds a skirt that nicely compliments her vulva, and continues Operation Hot Teacher. Mr. C keeps declining her advances, until he finally has to give her a talking-to offscreen. Juliet later takes a page from the Naomi Clark playbook, and tearily confesses/lies to her new, walking stereotype BFF that he "forced himself" on her. I guess they used up their "Rape" allowance on 90210. Oh, Juliet. I love you, but no good can come of this.

So how does it all end? Despite being shot AT POINT BLANK RANGE, Guh-emma's alive and attacks CJ. Making some of the ugliest faces you've ever seen, she almost manages to escape...before CJ shoots her. Again. In the head. The next time I see this woman it better be as a ghost or in my nightmares. Hoping to stop all this violence with more violence, Siobhan makes a dramatic entrance and offs CJ. She calls Tyler and tells him she'll be staying in NYC for a while, saying the baby is his. Bridget has a 100% for-the-audience conversation with herself, vowing (again) to get to the bottom of things. And now, your supersized Fall finale photocap!

_________________________________

It's been a great first 10 episodes! There was so much happening in this one, and I think everyone got to appear (save for Alien Cher). The ending isn't a cliffhanger as much as it is a solid promise that things are going to be even more insane in 2012, with Bridget and Siobhan occupying the same city. For now we can only speculate what'll happen when the show returns - How long before Bridget actually does get pregnant? Is Mr. C really as good as he seems? What does Agent Machado wear when he's off-duty?

Ringer Recaps return all-new in January, but be on the lookout for some bonus photocaps of the first five episodes in the meantime. Until then, keep it classy and crazy...just like SMG would want!

LIFE'S A HAPPY SONG

2011-11-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

At long last, a movie worthy of the Muppet name! With writer/executive producer Jason Segel restoring the heart and soul to Kermit & Company, The Muppets uses nostalgia, humor and genuine good vibes to win back the silver screen.

The Muppets are a lot of things to a lot of different people. One of the reasons Jim Henson's characters are so universally loved is that there's no one unifying trait that defines them. For some people it's the self-referential humor. For others, the music. Some folks identify with the characters' sweet sentimentality, while many treat them as an important part of their own experiences growing up.

How they arrived safely here in 2011 wasn't as simple as hitting the big red REBOOT button. Disney struggled for the greater part of a decade in trying to "re-introduce" the Muppets to a post-80s, post-Henson world...with broad, charmless, pandering results (if you doubt this even for a moment, try watching ANY 5-minute chunk of The Muppets' Wizard of Oz). But watching the gang's newest film, it's easy to forget about the damaged past - mainly because there's such a hopeful present.

The Muppets plays to all of Kermit & Company's classic strengths, and in doing so also plays to nearly every segment of its audience. There's truly something here for everyone, which has always been the idea. Nostalgia - something I'm glad to see being used for good instead of evil - is a major component of not only the concept but the actual plot of the movie, and almost offers a warning-shaped lesson to anyone looking to resurrect an old franchise: Remember where you came from.

Gary (Jason Segel, who also co-wrote the screenplay) and his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) travel to Los Angeles to celebrate their 10th Anniversary. Along for the ride is Gary's brother Walter (decidedly not human, but it's never discussed), who's obsessed with the Muppets like no other. While visiting the dilapidated Muppet Studios, Walter overhears oil-mogul Tex Richman's (Chris Cooper) plans to raze the studios and dig for black gold. So now there are some very clearly-defined goals: Reunite the Muppets, put together a telethon, and raise the money to buy back the studios.

Kermit is at first reluctant to try, and his sweet/sad song "Pictures In My Head" says so much about the movie's heart. For Generation X/Y Muppet fans, we're all at the age where over time - you lose touch with people. People who at one time you couldn't ever imagine your life without. The Muppets prove that it's not just a human trait, and that reunions are tough. Even though it broke my heart that Miss Piggy was initially the only holdout, it made the story feel more genuine somehow. But by the time the whole gang is back together, it just feels...right. Yet another lesson: Sometimes it's worth it.

The rest of the original songs capture the 'catchy but not-too-serious' tone of the original movies, and (onscreen) throw in sight gags and inoffensive celebrity cameos. Feist and Mickey Rooney, together at last! The classic songs are a welcome treat as well - and if you don't tear up just a little during the first banjo notes of "Rainbow Connection", you should probably have your heart examined.

The additional celebrity appearances are all over the map, ranging from CBS (Neil Patrick Harris, Jim Parsons, Segel himself), NBC (Rashida Jones, John Krasinski, Donald Glover, Ken Jeong) and ABC (Whoopi Goldberg, Selena Gomez, Rico Rodriguez) to comedians Sarah Silverman, Zach Galifianakis and Jack Black. There's more, and they magically all work across the board.

So raise a glass to writers and executive producers Jason Segel & Nicholas Stoller. They figured out what Disney never could, on their own - You don't need to change the Muppets to keep them popular. Just let them put on a show.

Additional, Celebrational,

Muppetational Observations:

Miss Piggy and Fozzie didn't sound interchangeable!
Walter was cute without being intrusive. A wonderful addition to the Muppet players.
Rizzo the Rat and Pepe the King Prawn barely appear...and Disney used to be obsessed with them!
Scooter working at Google is genius.
"That's nothing, I once waited a whole year for September!" Fozzie really shines here.
Did Disney demand that Animal no longer chase women?
Statler & Waldorf are working both sides.
Uncle Deadly is a major character!
Bobo the Bear continues to be hilariously awkward.
Sweetums' callback to The Muppet Movie was perfect.
"Classic." Rowlf FTW.
Needs. More. Gonzo.
Dr. Teeth has a cassette of Starship's "We Built This City" on him!
80s Robot is amazing, and he better stick around.

FOOD: THE HOLIDAY!

2011-11-24T12:31:00.001-08:00

Happy Turkey Day, Americans! Our forefathers - armed with big hats, oversized belt buckles and muskets - celebrated the first Thanksgiving way back when, and this strange tradition just kinda stuck.

All of that dark history aside, I'm once again thankful for so much this year. My family and friends are probably the best under the Sun. What's that you say? Everyone says that? Oh. Well, they're wrong. I'm fortunate enough to have people in my life that support my endeavors and keep my insane neuroses in check, all the while providing me with a limitless source of entertainment.

You know what else I'm thankful for? YOU GUYS! Readers. I'm so appreciative and consistently blown away that people have indulged me for so long in doing something I love. To express my gratitude, please to enjoy some gobble-worthy TV favorites:

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Make sure to stay hydrated between naps with some liquor! My review of The Muppets is coming very soon...

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

2011-11-19T19:31:00.001-08:00

Considered a guilty pleasure in its earlier seasons, Gossip Girl now holds a more infamous distinction...that of the lowest-rated show on network television. It's a good thing there's still plenty of drama to go around on the Upper East Side, even five years in!

When I first saw the Gossip Girl pilot in 2007, I knew I was watching something special. Since then, I've loyally stuck with the UES gang, as other die-hard fans fell by the wayside. I understood their complaints, but I always knew that GG would creatively pull through. And while I personally think it has, that asshole Nielsen begs to differ.

It pains me to report that based on recent statistics provided by Vulture (whose comprehensive coverage of "The Greatest Show of Our Time" is unsurpassed), Gossip Girl is officially the lowest-rated series on network television. I'm willing to give you that it may not be the most relatable show, but one thing it has always been is ridiculously entertaining.

Serena Van der Woodsen is still the most beautiful, charming idiot in Manhattan. Her half-baked schemes are the stuff of legend, as is her questionable dating history (who falls head over heels in love this much?). Usually always by her side is Blair Waldorf, who remains as intelligent, elitist and unapologetically vicious as Serena is stupid.

This season has been as twisted as ever, with Diana Payne (guest star Elizabeth muh-fuggin' Hurley) pulling the strings of basically the entire cast. Well, except Rufus and Lily. I think the show has finally realized that they're irrelevant. Dan is much less insufferable now that Vanessa & Jenny are gone, but he needs to fix his stupid Jeff Buckley hair pronto. Chuck has surprisingly turned out to be one of the most level-headed of the group these days, and in case you're wondering...no, they still haven't figured out what to do with the sweetly-vacant Nate Archibald. If you need him, he'll be smoking a bowl and nailing cougars. Some things never change.

In summation: If you enjoy camp, fantasy-level drama and privileged people trying to destroy each other - AND you've got a Nielsen box in your home - do me and The CW a favor and tune in Mondays at 8pm. If this is going to end up being the final season, let them go out with a bang!

UPDATE: Vulture talked to executive producer Joshua Safran at GG's 100th episode celebration party, and he says that no one's told him that this would be the final season. The president of Warner Bros. Television would also like there to be at least one more (you don't say!), so there's still time for the Powers That Be to craft a wholly satisfying, mind-blowing season 6 before packing it in. But you should still watch!

WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING...MILLENNIUM?

2011-11-16T21:11:00.001-08:00

I LOVE A LOT OF WEIRD MOVIES. And you probably do, too, right? So let me share one with you, bite-size style. Maybe you've seen it, maybe not! I'll provide you with the trailer, and 5 'caps for good measure. My hope is that by the end you'll either want to watch it immediately, or will have experienced MovieTingle™ from revisiting an old favorite. I'd be surprised if you downright hated it, 'cause you're here in the first place. You probably know what to expect.

Our inaugural film is the sci-fi/time travel/brain-wrinkling classic made from the last gasps of the 80s...

Millennium (1989)

Did you fall in love with the Kris Kristofferson / Cheryl Ladd power couple? Do paradoxes terrify you? Hit the comments and tell me what you think!

WHO'S THE BOSS?

2011-11-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

Bridget continues to get cozy with Andrew, which doesn't please his manipulative business partner one bit. Malcolm begins to suspect Charlie's motivations...which rightfully makes Bridget as paranoid as Siobhan, who was on antidepressants after lying to her therapist. In Butler news: Gemma's still alive, and the twins are real!

A few more payoffs, a few more more twists, and some cutthroat business ethics. Tonight's episode of Ringer accomplished a lot, even if it was sadly without the help of Agent Machado or Juliet. After several straight weeks of almost getting her shit together, Bridget returns to bumbling detective mode (skills honed by SMG's role as Daphne from Scooby-Doo, no doubt) to try and play mind games with Siobhan's THERAPIST. I'm willing to let these massive lapses in judgment slide, because she's also realizing that she's falling in love with Andrew. And that's pretty fucked up.

While it usually bugs me when shows retcon stuff that happened in the pilot, I'm completely okay with the revelation that Bridget didn't knock out her cop escort and steal his gun back in Wyoming - he gave it to her and told her to run. Of course, said cop was also hired by Siobhan by way of Charlie to make sure Bridget came running right into her scheming clutches. Because no one can be trusted!

Investigating a lead from Siobhan's therapist's files, Bridget spies Charlie drinking at a bar called "Rectory" in an old church. She and Malcolm soon deduce that not only can Charlie not be trusted, but that it's not even his real name. What's worse, Bro Henchman is keeping a very much alive Guh-emma hostage in a basement in Brooklyn. Malcolm does his best to search the house, but has to flee as Bridget's obvious stall tactics are...well, obvious...and Charlie informs Siobhan via Trouble Alert that Bridget's catching on (to him). And now your photocap!

_____________________________

No real mention is made of how or why Siobhan is still in Paris, after essentially being booted last week by a very pissed, very misinformed Tyler. Here's hoping her obvious frustration with Charlie the Bro Henchman is a sign that she's going to have to take matters into her own hands. Bridget still thinks she's got Siobhan figured out, and has laid out her new, ultra-clear mission statement of "I'm not leaving until I figure out what happened to my sister". It's almost painful to watch Andrew so happy with Bridget, because that happiness will without a doubt all go to hell eventually.

And speaking of going to hell, terror-faced Olivia goes against Andrew's wishes to court Guh-emma's dying father's financial portfolio. By tricking a liquored up Henry into signing documents without reading them. Poor guy. But fear not - I've got great news! The Butler's Invisible Children have re-materialized!

BEAUTY AND THE BLOODLUST

2011-11-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

Full of breathtaking vistas and stunning beefcake, Immortals succeeds where its genre competitors failed - in truly captivating the audience. Henry Cavil's physique is appropriately mythological, but it's the combination of idyllic perfection and the ravages of war that makes director Tarsem Singh's film memorable.

I didn't follow the production of Immortals very closely, but it was always a given that I'd be there opening weekend. Perfectly-ripped men, a heavy dose of Greek mythology and a primary goal of defeating Mickey Rourke? Yeah, I guess I'm interested.

I won't spend the entire review from this shallow a standpoint, but director Tarsem Singh's latest release EXCEEDED my expectations! Henry Cavill is quite possibly the hottest man on the face on the planet right now, and his every scene oozes with charm, testosterone and SEX. If I ever own my own bar, you'd better believe Immortals is going to be playing on a TV screen a lot of the time.

For those of you that tire at looking at Mr. Cavill (I can't imagine who you are, but whatever) he had some help from your friend and mine...Stephen Dorff! Before you begin to worry whether The Dorff is capable of playing Ancient Greek, it becomes pretty clear that he's playing a Stephen Dorff-like thief. Only hotter.

Frieda Pinto (who recently received a paycheck in Rise of the Planet of the Apes) plays the virgin oracle, Phaedra. I may not understand much of my people's language, but I'm pretty sure her name roughly translates to "The One Without a Penis". Like basically every good guy in Immortals, she's flawless.

The story is simple, because it's ultimately secondary to the incredible visuals. King Hyperion (Rourke) seeks to obtain the Bow of Epirus - forged by Ares - that will allow him to free the Titans and destroy the Gods. Perfectly-chiseled peasant Theseus (Cavill) witnesses his village destroyed and his mother killed by Hyperion's forces, and vows to hunt down the King of Crete for justice. Oracle Phaedra (Pinto) sees through her visions that Theseus is special, and joins him on his journey with Stavros (Dorff), a wise-cracking thief.

And what of the gods? Well, they've long since agreed not to get involved in the affairs of mortals, despite it probably being the right thing to do most of the time. Zeus (noted homosexual Luke Evans) issues a stern reminder of this to his brother and children, all the while barely clothed and looking like a much hotter version of James McAvoy.

Speaking of Zeus' brother Poseidon - bring on The Lutz! Kellan Lutz and his abs deliver a fairly understated performance, but that didn't stop the entire section of the theater I was in to bust out laughing when he showed up for the first time. Athena is also represented on Mount Olympus, by none other than the gal who played "Slutty-Girl-That's-Actually-a-Killer-Robot" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. She's much better as a God, let me tell you.

There's a distinction about the gods in Immortals, and it's one of the things that separates it from the dreadful Clash of the Titans remake: They're used sparingly. They play an important role to the story, but it really is Theseus' story. This ends up working out perfectly, because each time they do show up...you know shit's about to get real. Also, kudos for putting Athena right up there on the front lines, as well as making the gods young and beautiful. Seriously - if you were a god, why would you want to look like you were in your 70s?

Print Me For Valentine's Day, Y'all!

I'll admit that the brutality was shocking for such a sexy, epic romp (that metal bull in particular) but with nearly all of the bloodshed done with artsy-looking CGI, it came across as less horrifying.

Immortals is a film that's as exciting as it is gratuitous, and as beautiful as it is violent. It managed to thrill me in ways that 300 and the aforementioned Clash of the Titans could only have dreamed to. I felt very little wonder and and remembered next to nothing by the time those movies had ended (a shame considering my anticipation for them), but the exact opposite can be said for Tarsem Singh's latest. Come for the hotness, stay for the exciting, stylized action!

FELT ON FILM

2011-11-13T12:59:00.001-08:00

With The Muppets returning to the big screen this Thanksgiving, it's time to revisit their cinematic history. No awkward television specials here - just a most sensational look back on Kermit & Company's six big screen adventures.

When The Muppets is released on Thanksgiving, it will be the first time in 12 years that we'll have a theatrical release from Jim Henson's lovably crazy creations. They may have changed hands a few times since 1999, but I have faith that Disney finally understands what to do with the gang. But before we look to the the (hopefully) bright future, let's take a bike ride down memory lane and see how we got here!

The Muppet Movie (1979)

Plot: See how it all began, from the swamp to Hollywood. While on the run from evil restaurateur Doc Hopper, Kermit meets the gang for the first time as they set out in pursuit of their dreams...and the standard "Rich & Famous Contract".

The Muppet Songbook: "Rainbow Connection", 'Movin' Right Along", "Never Before, Never Again", "I Hope That Somethin' Better Comes Along", "Can You Picture That", "I'm Going To Go Back There Someday", "Finale: The Magic Store"

Notable Humans: Milton Berle, Mel Brooks, James Coburn, Dom DeLuise, Elliot Gould, Bob Hope, Madeline Kahn, Carol Kane, Cloris Leachman, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Orson Welles

Voice & Voice: All the Muppets have their original voices, and the overall humor/tone is just as it should be. Pure, satirical magic.

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

Plot: Newspaper reporters Kermit & Fozzie (with their photographer, Gonzo) travel to London, determined to crack the case of fashion designer Lady Holiday's stolen jewels. Aspiring model Miss Piggy becomes the focal point of a love triangle between Kermit and Lady Holiday's untrustworthy brother Nicky.

The Muppet Songbook: "Hey, a Movie!", "Happiness Hotel", "The First Time It Happens", "Night Life", "Steppin' Out With a Star", "Couldn't We Ride"

Notable Humans: John Cleese, Peter Falk, Charles Grodin, Diana Rigg, Peter Ustinov, Jack Warden

Voice & Voice: All Muppet voices remain the same from the first film. The Muppets are still playing themselves, but now with different occupations. This film is much funnier and more meta (starting with the elaborate opening song and dance number) but still manages to pull your heart strings at all the right moments. The bicycling scene is still a marvel of practical effects.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

(1984)

Plot: Fresh out of college, Kermit, Piggy and the gang head to New York City to try and get their musical "Manhattan Melodies" to Broadway. But they soon fall on hard times and go their separate ways, forcing Piggy to reunite them all with an amnesiac Kermit and put on their show.

The Muppet Songbook: "Together Again", "You Can't Take No For An Answer", "Saying Goodbye", "Something's Cooking", "I'm Gonna Always Love You", "Right Where We Belong", "Somebody's Getting Married", "She'll Make Me Happy"

Notable Humans: Art Carney, Dabney Coleman, Elliot Gould, Gregory Hines, John Landis, Liza Minnelli, Joan Rivers, Brooke Shields

Voice & Voice: Original Muppet voices are still holding strong, in Frank Oz's directorial debut. The Muppets' running satire of Hollywood gets re-worked for Broadway, with mostly-successful results. Kermit losing his memory is a bit strange, but it's all worth it for the big wedding scene between Kermit & Piggy - AND the first introduction of the Muppet Babies.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Plot: In this surprisingly faithful adaptation of Charles Dickens' classic story, Michael Caine plays the role of Ebenezer Scrooge, with Kermit and the gang rounding out the rest of the cast in a musical holiday masterpiece.

The Muppet Songbook: "Scrooge", "One More Sleep 'Til Christmas", "Marley and Marley", "When Love is Gone", "It Feels Like Christmas", "Bless Us All", "Thankful Heart"

Notable Humans: Michael Caine

Voice & Voice: Steve Whitmire has now taken over as the voice of Kermit, after Jim Henson's death in 1990. Despite the story being told by Muppets, it's for the most part very faithful the original source material. Gonzo acts here as Charles Dickens, narrating the story with his new sidekick Rizzo. Humor is delicately balanced with the more somber overtones of the story, and the results are heartwarming...even if there are next to no celebrity cameos.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Plot: Once again taking on a story from classic literature, the Muppets' adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's adventure features Kermit as Captain Smollett, Fozzie as Squire Trelawney and Miss Piggy as Benjamina Gunn. Tim Curry embodies the human villain role of Long John Silver. High seas antics ensue.

The Muppet Songbook: "Shiver My Timbers", "Something Better", "Sailing For Adventure", "Cabin Fever", "Professional Pirate", "Boom Shakalaka", "Love Led Us Here", "Love Power"

Notable Humans: Tim Curry, Jennifer Saunders

Voice & Voice: Aside from Steve Whitmire continuing on as Kermit, no voice substitutions here. Following the success of the Gonzo-Rizzo team up from The Muppet Christmas Carol, they portray Jim's best friends (new characters) in MTI. While the last classic adaptation was honorable, this one's much more campy and over the top. It's not as much fun when Kermit can't just be Kermit, and so on.

Muppets From Space (1999)

Plot: Not to be confused with the recurring sketch "Pigs in Space" from The Muppet Show, the gang's last theatrical release before a 10+ year absence answers the age old question: What exactly IS Gonzo? Unsurprisingly, everyone's favorite Whatever is an alien, and his family's ready for a reunion on Earth.

The Muppet Songbook: A bunch of non-Muppet-related classic funk nonsense.

Notable Humans: F. Murray Abraham, David Arquette, Kathy Griffin, Katie Holmes, Joshua Jackson, Ray Liotta, Andie MacDowell, Rob Schneider, Jeffrey Tambor

Voice & Voice: The voices may be the same, but these aren't yesterday's Muppets. The modernization has begun, from a complete lack of original songs to the inclusion of several new characters introduced in Muppets Tonight. The gang is now all living together in a boarding house. The humor is irreverent and the film is harmlessly charming overall, but the soundtrack and "hip" vibe are a big distraction.

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How will The Muppets fare against its predecessors? I'm very hopeful that it will be more Great Muppet Caper than Muppet Treasure Island, but we'll all know for sure come Thanksgiving. While I'm obviously sad that Frank Oz won't be voicing Miss Piggy or Fozzie (they'll sound almost indistinguishable, like in recent TV specials), there's no room in the Muppet fold for bad attitudes. Word on the street is that Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller have written a spectacular movie - one that will return the Muppets to glory. Check back after Thanksgiving for my official review!

A SUPER CONVENIENT TRUTH

2011-11-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

She may be free of a fake baby, but Bridget has to watch her step when the gang's (almost) all converging on Manhattan. Juliet is brutally rebuffed by her teacher, and Malcolm takes refuge in the worst place possible. Meanwhile in Paris - pretty, stupid Tyler inadvertently sets Siobhan on a collision course for New York.

The show is definitely settling in to its soap noir-pra identity of suspense, twists and turns, and tonight's episode was no exception. The element of surprise (for both the characters and the audience) has really increased exponentially in the last few weeks, and I'm very glad to see all the pieces falling into place for an epic midseason finale before we break 'til Spring.

Bridget learns that OOPS! She must have had a miscarriage. She's secretly relieved, but Andrew is not-so-secretly crushed. This frees up Bridget's schedule to check on Malcolm, who's still [insert street euphemism for being fucked up on heroin]. Agent Machado uses the full power of his guyliner and the Federal Government to basically blackmail "Siobhan" into wearing a wire, with the intention of getting him to give up "Bridget's" location. But our favorite ex-stripper uses some of her old school manipulations to win back the upper hand.

Also, The Chronicles of Cora & Tyler return this week! Siobhan rejects the FINALLY SHIRTLESS Tyler's offer to go to Rome with him on the company's dime, but it doesn't matter since he ends up rerouted to New York when Andrew calls to give him an enormous promotion. When Bridget shows up to the business celebration dinner, Tyler assumes it's his "high maintenance" girlfriend Cora (buddy, you have NO idea), and conveys with his eyes that he wants to punch her right in the goddamn face.

So what's the deal by episode's end? Bridget has shipped Malcolm off to live with Evil Charlie, who will presumably torture him to some vague outcome. Like a good Bro Henchman. Tyler calls Siobhan to tell her off and send her packing from their Parisian stronghold. And I'll hit Juliet's b-story after the photocap!

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Finally, please to enjoy a sampling of Justin Bruening's towelclad finest. Click the photo below to make it a LOT bigger:

The writers clearly took what I had to say about Juliet last week to heart, because she seems to have come down on the side of "bitchy for the forces of good". And she was total supporto-gal when she thought her stepmom just had a miscarriage. Things at PS-2011 are still rough, with Tessa The Teenage Tormenter continuing to be enraged by the fact that Juliet wears nice clothing. Mr. C says he'll "take care of it" (hot) but just ends up transferring Juliet out of his class to hide his giant teacher boner (not).

At times I feel like I'm watching a completely different, 100% CW-manufactured show with Juliet's little vignettes. I never watched Dawson's Creek on the regular, but I know that the whole teacher-student sex thing was their big scandal back in the 90s. Teen tropes are fine, but they need to 'Serena Van der Woodsen' Juliet up a little. Remember that time Serena tried her hand at high stakes poker?

The cataclysmic event that is Siobhan's return to New York seems like a midseason finale moment, but Ringer has proven week after week that it's on a more efficient schedule...so it could even be as early as next week. Or not. Either way I'm ready for TWIN BATTLE!

THE BLOG SHOW

2011-11-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

This weekend I headed to Downtown LA for the first annual BlogWorld & New Media Expo. One of the most highly-specialized trade shows I've ever been to, it was an eye-opening experience with much to see and learn. Here's a quick trip report!

When I learned from Blogger (the wonderful back-end hosts of Zip and a Kick!) that there was a a trade show here in Los Angeles all about blogging, social networking and the still-hard-to-define "New Media", I was all over it. I didn't really know what to expect, but I figured I would register for Saturday and see what they had to offer. I've been running this site for over 3 years now, but I've been writing and posting all over the place before the word "blog" was even a thing (I'm not bragging - it makes me feel old).

I went in with reasonable expectations. By the time I left, I not only felt like I had learned some stuff - but also came to the realization that, hey...these are my people. Community is a fascinating thing. Here are some highlights:

Yeah, you probably could have fit the entire BlogWorld Expo exhibit hall inside Comic-Con's Hall H in San Diego, but that didn't mean there weren't some great exhibitors.

Blogger was there, looking sleek and stylin'. The photo booth was there, but no one seemed to be using it. I chatted briefly with some of the reps, who mostly seemed to be feedback-gatherers. Luckily I only had good things to say, and they liked my custom header. Everybody wins!

The legendary Cheech Marin was there, being interviewed in the corner...for reasons I still haven't been able to figure out. Despite being Chong-less, I guess he loves "new media"! No, I didn't ask if he was holding.

One of the many hosting companies at the show. This one had the best booth design (obviously).

Otis Spunkmeyer may not be a Blogger, but he still makes damn good cookies.

Phoebe the Pug! In training to be a helper-doggie, she even had her own badge. She loves the camera, and even let me interview her (aka "she licked my hand").

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It may not have been the biggest trade show I've ever been to, but this one carried the benefit of actually being able to impact me directly. I got a business book called "Branding Yourself", and may even be taking on some freelance projects (in all that free time I have, LOLcry). For the $37 I paid for registration, I definitely got my money's worth. I'll be back next year!

THE INVINCIBLE 'O'

2011-11-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

So this is basically the greatest photograph ever taken.

Aside from the obvious "Oprah is firewalking" aspect, also notice the lunatic expressions on the faces of the 2 women directly behind her. And the...coach? Instructor? Motivational speaker? I just don't know.

What I do know is that this photo is the real deal...The Oprah tweeted it last night.

IT'S DIFFERENT WITH TWINS

2011-11-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Under suspicion yet again, Bridget leaks a little truth to Andrew and Henry about her family. Juliet exhibits responsible behavior for the first time, and pays dearly for it. Malcolm trades Wyoming for New York, while Charlie lends a hand. Ringer returns...with more sass, sex and SMG faces!

Even though I've been loving this show so far, tonight's episode really made me feel like someone woke Sarah Michelle Gellar up. She's alert, she's snappy, and there's no shortage of her signature "fuck off" faces. She really nailed this episode.

There's an impressive use of split screen early , as "Siobhan" has pre-briefed Andrew and Henry (separately) on her horrible, horrible sister "Bridget". They play along with the cops and Machado, but complain to her about it later. Malcolm has managed to escape Wyoming (sorta) and somehow tracks Bridget down in NYC, specifically at Guh-emma's ribbon-cutting / memorial service. Bridget meanwhile enlists Charlie in searching Guh-emma's car (that Henry stashed at airport long term parking) for clues. And just as Bridget's life seems to be falling apart even more, it turns out someone she trusts is working for Siobhan...

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It's worth mentioning that this episode was written by showrunner Pam Veasey, who clearly understands these characters a bit more than others. Bridget was sharp and a little scrappy, which is something we've needed. Her fake voicemail left for "herself" was really clever, and shows us that Bridget is actually capable of thinking on her feet.

I remain a little confused about who Juliet is supposed to be from week to week, as they haven't decided if she's ever going to stop being pissed off (after the ramifications of her car accident tonight...probably not). I also like to think that she and Mr. C fucked in the back of an ambulance when no one was looking. Priceless was the look on Bridget's face when Andrew told her they would take an ultrasound at the hospital post-fainting. Panic and terror. And yeah, it looks like the AV Club was right again...Charlie and Siobhan have been in cahoots all along. Worst sponsor ever!

WITH GHOULISH DELIGHT

2011-10-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

It's time once again to call in the spirits, wherever they're at! October has been an action-packed celebration of spooky, all leading up to today. And while I may not be as costume-oriented as I used to be, Halloween will always be my favorite holiday.

Not only does it let me indulge shamelessly in watching as many horror movies as possible in a matter of weeks - see my previous reviews for Fright Night, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, Atrocious, American Horror Story, Paranormal Activity 3 and Showgirls 2 - but I also get to bust out my glittery disco skull and embrace the overall macabre within.

Last year I introduced the Cauldron of Classics for All Hallow's Eve, with clips from some hall-of-fame TV specials. This year's selections are decidedly more contemporary, but still classics in their own right. See what videos I've scared up for you, followed by a few single-frame movie reviews:

"Making Friends" (2011)

Adorable! Features Sam from Trick 'r Treat.

"Sandra's Halloween Wonderland" (2011)

This special aired on the Food Network recently. Sandra Lee is apparently an alcoholic crazy person.

LMFAO - "Party Rock Anthem"

An amazing Halloween light show from some creative folks in Riverside.

"Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps" (2011)Jeff & Britta try to decide which of their friends could be a murderer, in Community's third brilliant Halloween installment.
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Ghostbusters (1984)
After all these years, I finally saw Ghostbusters on the big screen! It was well worth the wait, and in this case...bigger IS better (than my TV).

The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

Vincent Price was deliciously diabolical in the film version based on the story by Edgar Allen Poe.

The Thing (2011)
The prequel to John Carpenter's The Thing was well-made and creepy enough, but still completely unnecessary.

Case 39 (2009)

Renee Zellweger looks bloated and Bradley Cooper takes his shirt off. It's just like every movie either of them have ever made.

Happy Halloween to you all! Don't let a silly little thing like it being Monday ruin your festivities. Have fun, be safe, and enjoy your tricks and treats!

PENNY'S LAST STAND

2011-10-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

After nearly six years in production, Rena Riffel presented her self-financed passion project to the world for the very first time Thursday night. Laemmle's Sunset 5 played host for Showgirls 2: Penny's From Heaven - 152 minutes of dancing, confusion and absolute insanity.

Two days later, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened in Showgirls 2: Penny's From Heaven. I was already excited but in shock that someone had actually made a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time, especially since it wasn't Paul Verhoeven or Joe Eszterhas. Thankfully there's Rena Riffel (Penny/Hope from the original) writing, directing and editing the epic saga. The film features some cameos from other Showgirls characters, including James (Glenn Plummer), Jeff (Dewey Weber) and Phil Newkirk (Greg Travis). Reunion!

Aside from special guest stars and bizarre homages to its predecessor, this movie is all about Penny. It's strangely unclear whether this is supposed to be a legitimate sequel or satire, but even with a 2 1/2 hour running time the movie doesn't give you much of a chance to ponder these uncertainties. Penny wants to become the "Star Dancer" on what appears to be a public access show called...StarDancer. She leaves James in Vegas (her mom has custody of their baby), and sets out to make her dreams come true in Hollywood.

You guys, it was a wild ride. Ms. Riffel replied to me on Twitter saying she would be there, but unfortunately she didn't offer an introduction or any final thoughts. I've decided that in lieu of a formal review (I worked on/disposed of a few drafts), I'm just gonna give you the highlights:

There is a disturbing amount of polka music played during sex scenes.

"I used to be your love sponge!"

There are a couple of nervous breakdowns that I'm convinced were not in the script.

"It's like a burger drive-thru, only I get pussy instead of a burger, with fries and a soda."

Penny's lingerie-clad maid is also taking detective classes.

"You're not dumb, you just play dumb."

"Like a possum?"

"No, possums play dead."

There are subplots involving snuff films, lesbianism and Freemasonry.

"My life as a prima ballerina hasn't been easy. I was born into poverty in Communist Russia."

"It was one of the options at the funeral home. Burial, cremation or ashes-into-diamonds."

10.

"Use your Primal Creative Instinct! From your PUSSY! Dance into the floor!"

Flyer for the event, from Showgirls2Movie.com

The next scheduled screening of Showgirls 2: Penny's From Heaven is on November 9th, at the red carpet premiere in Long Beach. Yes, you read that correctly! Check out the full trailer to see what you're in for:

Want to see what becomes of Penny Slot, but live outside Los Angeles? E-mail RenaRiffelFilms@yahoo.com for bookings at your local independent theaters. It's the perfect midnight movie to show at 10pm!

PARANORMAL PRANKSTERS

2011-10-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Paranormal Activity 3 takes us back to 80s - and big hair isn't the only thing to fear. The directors have a lot more in store, but in a very peculiar case...also a lot less. A whopping eight scenes from PA3's theatrical trailer don't appear in the film itself. Artistic misdirection or a dirty marketing ploy?

Ask anyone I know. Based on the guttural reactions I made whenever I saw the trailers for Paranormal Activity 3, I was probably more excited for this movie than anyone else in the world. A lot of folks felt betrayed by the second film's supposed lack of scares (I disagree), but this year's model looked to be a game-changer. Subtlety be gone, it's time to scare the shit out of everyone! What could possibly go wrong? The directing duo of Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman - notable for their "is it real or fake?" film Catfish - take the helm of Paranormal Activity 3, and for the most part seem very capable.

I couldn't help feeling a little uneasy upon leaving the theater, though. Usually this would be a good thing for a horror movie - only now I was annoyed. We all know that movie trailers are often pieced together with footage that won't make it into the final cut. That's fine, and there are usually good reasons for it. I must take issue with Paranormal Activity 3, however. Mild Spoiler Alert, I guess: The full theatrical trailer contains eight scenes that don't appear in the actual film. EIGHT. To give you some perspective, there are only 10 scenes in the trailer total. Even more troublesome is that these looked like some great moments. Behold, the 80% you won't see if you pay $12+ for a ticket:

The Demon Always Knocks Thrice

Sorta-Stepdad Dennis (aka ProtoMicka) asks Kristi to demonstrate "The Knocking Game". She knocks three times on her mirrored closet door, only to have something respond in kind from inside. When he checks afterwards, nothing's there of course. And this happens in broad daylight.

Kristi's Flying Leaps

There's definitely something scary about kids in peril. Mom Julie watches a tape in horror as Kristi jumps from the ledge of the girls' second floor bedroom, only to run right up the stairs unhurt (and giggling).

Wet 'n Wild Arts 'n Crafts

Julie freaks out when Kristi - who says that her "imaginary friend" Toby is right next to her - throws a cup of water into the air...only to have the liquid land on a giant, unseen shape. More daylight trauma!

Not Exactly One For The Fridge

We see a presumed demonologist checking out the crawlspace in Katie & Kristi's room - finding the walls scratched with symbols, a very creepy drawing, and the name "Hunter" written backwards. In case you forgot, Hunter is what grown-up Kristi names her family's first born son in PA2.

The Headbanging Demonologist

The demonologist tells Julie and Dennis that the phenomenon is definitely linked to Julie's whole family, and that it knows he's...BAM BAM BAM! Evil Invisible Toby (EIT) begins violently slamming Dr. Demon's head against the table.

Home of The Big Flamin' Evil

As the trailer builds towards a climax, we see a shot of a house completely ablaze. Is this the house fire that Katie and Kristi both mentioned in parts one and two?

There Will Be No Driving

Julie finally suggests that they get in the car and drive away, only to have EIT pull her backwards down the hallway and into her bedroom, where the doors slam shut.

Bloody Mary's Big Break

Katie & Kristi play Bloody Mary in their bathroom, but apparently nothing happens. They exit the bathroom, not seeing the UBER-CREEPY shadowy figure that's left behind. While a version of the Bloody Mary game is featured in the film, this much more effective scene only appears in the original teaser trailer (note that the time code is different than the previous scenes).

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Despite omitting these arguably important scenes, there are still scares to be had. Everything you loved about the first two movies is here, in a sort of amped up, greatest-hits-on-crack kind of way. Setting PA3 in 1988 is probably the most original part of the proceedings, and that's fine. The 80s were a golden age for horror cinema, so there's almost something comforting about the decor, the fashion and even the hair. I'll probably always associate a side ponytail with sheer terror - and really, shouldn't we all?

I also absolutely must give the filmmakers credit for devising a really clever, incredibly effective way of adding suspense to the "found footage": The precise, clockwork panning of a camera oscillating between the living room and kitchen on a table fan became so unnerving I almost had to look away.

Ultimately, though? I feel duped. I've been had. Joost & Schulman have been given a lot of credit for tricking moviegoers with Catfish, but I feel a bit rubbed the wrong way by this tactic with PA3. Some people are now saying the trailer was meant to be purposely misleading, as to keep people on their toes. If this is true, I call bullshit. Show people what they think they're paying to see, based on the information that's been given. I'm all for plot twists (and hate when a trailer shows too much), but in this case I feel cheated. Here's hoping the inevitable "Unrated Directors' Cut" will show the whole movie when it comes to DVD. And maybe they could so something about that ending...

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

2011-10-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

A tribute to the unsung heroine of Saved by the Bell. She's a motorcycle enthusiast, a lover of big hair, and she has the power to disappear without notice. Tori Scott, this one's for you!

While browsing through my Twitter feed yesterday, I saw a link with the following warning: "Don't go to Bayside High. You'll never been seen or heard from again". My spider sense was tingling! What could this be? See for yourself:

Pretty amazing, right? Go ahead and follow @drmistercody (Cody Johnston), as he and his Tumblr are awesome.

Of course, I was hoping it was going to be something in regards to Tori Scott, Zack's tough girl love interest from half of the final season. Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen refused to return amidst a contract dispute, but would later have a change of heart. This left poor Leanna Creel (one of the triplets from The Parent Trap III and The Parent Trap: Hawaiian Honeymoon!) written off without explanation.

In real life, it turns out Leanna Creel is a pretty major lesbian. Good for her! Was her SBTB character's constant leather jacket / surly demeanor strange foreshadowing? We may never know. But one thing's for sure, Tori Scott will always be my homegirl. Wherever she is!

While it's not closure to Tori's story, we can at least take comfort in knowing that we'll always have Lisa. Lark Voorhees may be up-with-Jehovah now, but back in the day she was Bayside's reigning queen of style. Thanks, ladies.

TROUBLE BY THE BAGFUL

2011-10-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

The disappearance of Gemma Butler becomes a thing people actually care about - from Bridget, to the NYPD, to Agent Machado. Can Henry be trusted? Can Juliet work her redemptive magic at public school? Welcome back to your weekly guide to the machinations of Bridget and Siobhan!

No time is wasted in making Henry look as guilty as humanly possible. Between the makeshift CSI cleanup to his smoldering, terrifying (and kinda hot) facial expressions, something definitely seems "off" to quote Andrew. Mr. Martin's also busy dealing with Juliet's pants-less assault on public school, where she meets a hot young teacher that she will almost certainly have sex with before the end of the season. Machado still can't rescue Malcolm (no hurry, thx), but makes another startling connection. Let's take a closer look:

You're positively Bridget if...

Your slut-wrangling skills come in handy when convincing your fake stepdaughter to wear pants to school

You seem increasingly paranoid that your reflection may leap through the mirror and attack you

You wear only your finest leather goods to rummage through dumpsters

You're certainly Siobhan if...

You think post-orgasm afterglow is the best time to discuss killing your loved ones

Seeing as how you can probably tell Bridget and Siobhan apart pretty easily by now (Bridget's the one that's actually IN the episodes from week to week), I may be taking a break from the above format for a bit. While I strategize for the future, here's a more traditional photocap:

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In a classic bait and switch, we discover that it was actually Siobhan who planned Gemma's "disappearance" (I want a body). Which means that Henry's not a murderer, but he probably is crazy. Still no visual on the Butler children, FYI. Tessa the Teen Tormenter has no possible understanding of the shitstorm that's coming, should she continue to pick fights with Juliet. Don't hold back, T! I want to see this.

Agent Machado lady-kicks his way through doors at Club Caged in Wyoming (aka the halfhearted soundstage strip club) searching for Malcolm, only to find that Bodaway's already had him moved. Speaking of Bridget's sponsors, Charlie plays the ultimate hero by throwing a bag of coke/weed/pills into a garbage can. These SponsorScenes are basically vacuums for fun, and I hope one of them gets possessed by a demon soon.

Next Week on Ringer:

Bridget reveals to her menz that Siobhan does in fact have a twin, and Juliet parties like her trust fund's running out. New episode & recap November 1st!

OUR POWERS COMBINED

2011-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

AIDS WALK LOS ANGELES

Thank You For Donating!

This year, Los Angeles raised over $3 million for APLA. MILLION! I was shocked when I saw the grand total...it's not a small number. I'm also proud to say that $3,355 of that amount came from Team Zip and a Kick! That's The Stunning Seven pictured above: Myself, Robert, Chris, James, Shaun and Eric.

And since the only thing more fun than walking for charity is drinking for charity, we made our way to Hamburger Mary's afterwards for some post-Walk bottomless mimosas.

A great big thank you to everyone who sponsored Team Zip and a Kick! - or any walker/team! Your generosity truly makes a difference. Learn more about AIDS Project Los Angeles here. Humanity rules!

WEHO AD WATCH: 10.15.11

2011-10-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

The weather has been unusually warm for mid-October, so it's time to check in once again on the West Hollywood ad landscape with some unconventional marketing.

It was just before Summer that I posted the last WeHo Ad Watch. A few months (and some frequent triple-digit temperatures later), businesses great and small are getting the word out on their Fall product - from yard sales to blockbuster hopefuls. Click all images to make 'em bigger.

By far the most effective advertising I've seen for a yard sale. This was spray-painted on the boxspring of a mattress set that someone left roadside.

"Beware!! Enter At Your Own Risk!" A little on the nose, Micky's...don't you think?

Instead of the depressing black & blue photos of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried for their new movie In Time, just give the gays what we want!

Oh, politics! I like it when you're clever.

It's shaping up to be another gorgeous weekend in West Hollywood! Here's hoping the weather stays enjoyable for AIDS Walk Los Angeles tomorrow. Team Zip and a Kick! has raised $3,355 so far, and there's still time to donate! Regardless, enjoy the "Autumn" sunshine!

A HIGHLY EDUCATED OWL

2011-10-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

In 1963, Walt Disney introduced us to Archimedes the Owl in The Sword in the Stone. The sassy crank and his "roommate" Merlin would be some of the last characters that Walt would oversee before his death, and they continue to live on in the spirit of bickering homosexuals everywhere.

People occasionally ask me why I love owls so much. I suspect that this is because owls are featured in my decor, and folks need an explanation so they don't think it's something creepy. I don't really have a proper answer, but if I had to pinpoint a major influence on my owl love? Archimedes. OF COURSE.

Yeah, Sword in the Stone isn't one of Disney's masterpieces. It reuses a lot of animation from The Black Cauldron, and my heart still breaks for that lovesick lady squirrel. But it did feature a prickly rapport between a wizard and his owl that was maybe one of the first gay relationships I had ever seen as a child.

Don't panic, I'm not trying to out Disney characters. Archimedes was just such a bitchy, pompous queen in retrospect. And he was always fighting back and forth with Merlin! He's an owl, he could just fly away. But he doesn't. Disney presents: Co-Dependence!

Call it whatever you want, these two ol' coots have got a good thing going. So here's to you, fellas - you'll always be the most interesting part of Aurthurian legend to me!

THE PRICE OF SILENCE

2011-10-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

A desperate Bridget pleads to have her secret kept, but an unhinged Gemma comes to the conclusion that one bad deed deserves...an indecent proposal. And faster than you can say "psychotic break", the game has changed - with a truly shocking twist. Welcome back to your weekly guide to telling Bridget and Siobhan apart!

As of this moment, Ringer has officially gone off the rails in the most fantastic way possible. Though teasing the upcoming drama at the end of last week's episode, they just keep...going...further. Couplesaurus seems faced with certain doom, but Guh-emma is more than willing to take Bridget - nearly pushed to breaking her sobriety - down with them. Juliet returns (!) an even bigger strung-out mess than before (!!), and Malcolm's still straight trippin' in Wyoming. Finally, SMG takes a breather in this 100% Siobhan-free episode:

You're positively Bridget if...

You're concerned with everything about your fake stepdaughter, except for the fact that she seems to have rapidly aged to 35 while in Miami

After weeks of nearly being caught, you still keep the gun you used to murder someone in a see-through closet

People mistake your melancholy glare for "sparkle"

You offer to be best friends with someone after they try to blackmail you into sleeping with their husband

You're certainly Siobhan if...

You're too busy vomiting offscreen in Paris to make an appearance

Juliet's hard-partying ways are revealed to be a result of her dad hooking up with Siobhan before he divorced her mother. Bridget calls a girl-truce and apologizes for Siobhan's "crappy" behavior, while Andrew decides that public school will be just the thing to fix his daughter's drug problem. Speaking of drugs, Malcolm's still being held by Bodaway/shot up with hallucinogens - and Bridget meets a new sponsor, Charlie. Neither of these guys are very interesting.

Guh-emma tries understanding on for size, quickly realizing it doesn't come in Women's Big & Tall and reverting back to her signature raving banshee style. But when Henry learns of her scheme to invoke the fidelity clause in their pre-nup (thereby leaving him a penniless failure without custody of their invisible children), the story takes a dark turn. Has constant guest star Guh-emma been crazy murdered? Blood-splattered walls suggest...maybe. If he shoved the body in a steamer trunk, he and Bridget might just be soulmates after all!

Next Week on Ringer:

Henry's a psychopath...or is he?! Just kidding - he probably is.

MIX-N-MASH MONDAYS: 10.10.11

2011-10-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Twenty-One year old Alex Winston brings the handclaps and catchy harmonies with her single "Velvet Elvis" - sure to warm you up on these chilly October mornings, with the touch of RAC. Happy Columbus Day!

I love it when a song sneaks up on you. I've been listening to the RAC remix of Alex Winston's "Velvet Elvis" here and there for the past couple of weeks, but only recently did it really start to get stuck in my head. She's a quirky Detroit native with a pretty nifty sound, and I've tagged her for migratory purposes. Take a listen and maybe you'll do the same:

Velvet Elvis (RAC Remix)

Alex Winston

Free Download

Here's hoping Monday treats you right - check back tomorrow night at 10pm for my weekly 'Ringer' Recap!

THINGS THAT GO HUMP IN THE NIGHT

2011-10-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ryan Murphy is aiming to scare us in a whole different way with American Horror Story. The premiere was chock full of homages, but still managed to come across as something new. There are no doubt more chills to come with this week's episode...and with any luck, even more naked Dylan McDermott.

Scares ran amok in Season 2 of Glee, but unfortunately they were the unintentional kind. Now co-creators Ryan Murphy & Brad Falchuk are trying to scare us for real, and the results seem promising. American Horror Story tells the story of the Harmons, a family crumbling under the strain of husband Ben's infidelity and wife Viv's traumatic miscarriage. They uproot their teenage daughter and buy an enormous / suspiciously cheap house in Los Angeles. Everything will be great, right? JKLOL.

There are nods to horror classics everywhere (The Shining, Poltergeist, The Amityville Horror, Rosemary's Baby...the list goes on), but I have to applaud Murphy & Company for - at least from my perspective - being in on it. They never seem to pass off the ideas as their own, instead relying on dropping new characters into familiar situations and letting the scares come organically. Subtle and well-executed, on nearly all counts.

Plucked out of faux-retirement (it's like saying you're celibate when you can't get laid), Dylan McDermott returns to television with a bangin' new body and an attitude that won't quit. For someone pushing 50, this guy is inspiring a substantial amount of lust. I won't post the screencaps of Ben's standing j/o session (there's no full frontal, calm down) - mostly because it's not the most flattering angle. The "character hears a noise and goes to investigate in a towel" scene that inspires it, though? Well, that's a different story entirely:

So hot it's scary.

We learn more about the house's previous owners from a beastly next door neighbor - played to campy, crazy perfection by Jessica Lange. She's the mother of a girl with Down's Syndrome, because that seems to be one of Ryan Murphy's weird fetishes. Speaking of weird fetishes, the gay guys that lived in the house just before the Harmons were super into bondage and died in a murder suicide (not connected...that we know of).

Throw in the kooky housekeeper played by Frances Conroy (Old Hag Edition) and Alexandra Breckenridge (Sexy French Maid Edition), and you'd think that Ben and Viv have enough to worry about. Wrong! There's also Ben's new patient in therapy...who, aside from being the creepiest teenage creep that ever did creep, also seems to have hit it off with the bullied and morose daughter Violet. That will end well.

Overall I loved the groundwork laid by the pilot, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how the story continues. Demon babies? Deformed monster-people in the basement? An unspecified number of characters that might be ghosts? The dark, hyper-sexual American Horror Story is pure Ryan Murphy - and it's nice to say that and mean it as a compliment again.

Dedicated with admiration to E. Souliere

CLOSED FOR BUSINESS

2011-10-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

It may have been far from the best pilot this Fall, but the corseted and cotton-tailed gals from The Playboy Club had potential to prove that although "real", historical accuracy isn't always as fun. As the first cancellation of the season strikes fear into the hearts of low-rated newbies across the network landscape, it's time for a rebuttal.

Let me make a few things perfectly clear: One, The Playboy Club was no masterpiece. By any stretch of the imagination. Two, I've only watched the pilot (which was later re-tooled for air). And lastly, it was quite a gamble. Yet, I sit before you ready to defend one of the most critically derided series of the season. Why? Because someone has to.

Despite the writing on the wall, I was shocked yesterday morning to learn that NBC chose to give the bunnies the ax. Sure, the after-school-club known as the Parents Television Council came down hard, long before the series had even premiered. And not many would argue that Eddie Cibrian is basically a piece of lumber with dimples. But since when does Murphy's Law not apply to television? I ask this, quite simply, because there are some worse offenders that are still on the air. Hell, Whitney even got picked up for a full season somehow.

One of the biggest complaints attached to the now short-lived series was that it glamorized the life of a Bunny, painting a much rosier picture than the 60s reality that inspired it. Mind that word there. Inspired. Aside from the creaky voiceover from Hugh Hefner and the inclusion of (fake) Tina Turner, no one on this show was a person who lived. The Playboy Club never purported to be a real-life glimpse into the world of the Chicago institution. It's an NBC drama, for peacock's sake!

I truly feel for whichever producer first used the word "liberated" in describing the show's premise. That was likely the end of the road, right there. Just so we're all on the same page: Bunnies weren't feminists. I'm not naive. Gloria Steinem was a feminist. She was also a Bunny - but she only did it to bitch about it later. Don't get me wrong - her story needed to be told at that time, without a doubt. But did her voice really have a place here in 2011, when it came to this show? I don't think anyone was harboring any delusions that Bunnies could "be whoever they wanted to be". All Ms. Steinem did by rehashing her original complaints was rain on a parade of fantasy. Again - this wasn't supposed to be a documentary. It's not like a bunch of teenage girls (not the series' demographic in the first place) would watch and decide to jump in their time machines to enlist in Heff's Army. So what's the harm in some escapism?

I personally don't feel that the Mad Men model - though slightly at work here, given the era - should be limited to just one series. There are stories to be told that Mad Men will never tell, and rightfully so. It doesn't represent the whole of the 60s, it's a slice of it. And The Playboy Club was to have been a different slice. The comparisons were inevitable from the show's conception, as well as to its ABC period-counterpart Pan Am. There's obviously an allure to the glamour of this decade...why should one show have all the fun?

Last but not least, the loss of TPC is also a loss of not one but two gay characters on television. We'll never see the journey of Closeted Lesbian Bunny and her also closeted gay husband (recently out actor Sean Maher!) in the Mattachine Society, one of the very first gay organizations. With Trevor Donovan's Teddy sidelined with a guest starring role on this season of 90210, it would have been nice to see some additional homos on the airwaves. If nothing else, kudos to NBC for including such a surprising subplot.

Bottom Line: It may not have been a very good show, but it was one hell of a concept. Made sufficiently campy, The Playboy Club could have had a lot of colorful, soapy fun. Instead, it got saddled with sub-par actors and a lot of pointless controversy. Coulda woulda shoulda...