Thursday, May 31, 2012

PRINCE SHOP DELUXE


Disney has chosen a Prince Phillip for Sleeping Beauty in the upcoming live-action Maleficent film, and Australian actor Brenton Thwaites will do just fine. Just fine, indeed.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

AN UNINSPIRED MELTDOWN


Oren Peli should maybe stop making movies.

It pains me to say this, being such a S-T-A-U-N-C-H supporter of the first two Paranormal Activity films (and everything up 'til the last 10 minutes of PA3) - but Chernobyl Diaries really did a number on me, gang. And not even in the way that would have meant it was doing its job



This movie took my heart - filled with love for setting horror movies in creepy, abandoned places - and beat it mercilessly with the most sporadically functioning Geiger counter on the face of the planet. I felt no goodwill towards any of the miserable idiots onscreen at any given time, which had the strange effect of making me immediately sympathize with the first "monster" I actually saw (it was a mutated little turtle person, and I actually giggled).


"You will rue the day you ever learned of SADOWSKI!"

Alleged actor Jonathan Sadowski acts as leader of the BroDouches, and I also had the pleasure of sitting one row in front of him and all of his real life BroDouches at the ArcLight in Hollywood. By the time his face was melting off from radiation, I felt like I had finally found something to cheer for in this movie. 


There's Brunette Britta from Community, and Fake Claire from LOST, and...hey!
Wait a minute!

I think one of the worst things a scary movie can do is dangle a really interesting idea in front of the audience for only a moment, without providing any payoff. Chernobyl Diaries does this in small ways throughout its running time, but by the end proceeds to throw a drink in your face, give you the double finger, and walk off with your money. I'm not going to spoil it, but suffice it say that the last 5 minutes were the most interested and engaged I felt in the entire film. And then it was over. There was one more chorus of "SADOWSKI!!!!" behind me, and the generic hard rock song started playing over the end credits.



So what have we learned, if anything? My takeaway is that Oren Peli - for whatever reason - has no concept of how to craft a satisfying ending to a movie. Final scene plot twists are fine when they make you want to go back and reexamine the movie all over again...but in this case I really wouldn't recommend that level of exposure. 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

SUCH SWEET SORROW


 Despite it being announced nearly a week ago, The CW's Upfront presentation today seals the deal: Ringer is dead. And now it's time to raise a toast, and say goodbye to network television's first soap noir-pra.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

STAY CLASSY


It's taken nearly 6 years, but my life is finally starting to parallel Gossip Girl. To those of you uninitiated in the ways of the Greatest Show of Our Time - fear not! You don't need to be a fan to understand this post.