Bridget enlists Solomon to help her figure out Siobhan's motives, and finds yet more surprises and heartbreak. Shiv intends to take down Andrew as well as all of Martin/Charles, but Tyler may not be willing to help her for much longer. Juliet meanwhile proves to be just as manipulative and vindictive as any adult on this show.
As the title of the recap suggests, Bridget spends most of the episode being driven around by Solomon (former Cruel Intentions co-star!), and it's basically a way more twisted version of Driving Miss Daisy. She purports that she's newly sober, which is why she's asking incredibly suspicious questions about her "own" past. Apparently Bridget would have Solomon believe that going to the shooting range was something she enjoyed doing while drunk...okay. Anyway, she finds Siobhan's secret office in Harlem (more upscale than the Clinton office, as it were) as well as a mysterious key. Siobhan watches from the closet with her lady pistol at the ready, but keeps silent.
Speaking of Siobhan, she's feeding Henry this humdinger of a story: It was Bridget's idea to swap lives, since she was on the run from Bodaway and Shiv wanted a get-out-of-marriage-free card to be with Henry. His reaction? "That's insane." He's getting smarter! Siobhan needs the key that Bridget stole, in order to open the [THING] which holds the evidence she'll use to bring down Martin/Charles. She manages to sneak into the penthouse to retrieve it, but gets busted by Andrew. They share a brief exchange and a kiss (both incredibly awkward) before Shiv literally runs away.
Back in the land of aggravated sexual assault, Juliet's lawyer (Alanna Ubach!!) is getting everyone prepared for her upcoming testimony. Catherine is back for some reason, and manages to spend the entire episode without a drink in her hand. After Juliet flubs part of her story, Catherine lets loose - proving that just because she's sober doesn't mean she's not still a total bitch. Juliet's testimony at the courthouse (a few days later) happens offscreen, but in the ladies room Tessa the Tearful Teenage Tormenter confesses that she made it all up. Beyonce overhears it from the stall, however, and not only do the charges get dropped - but now Mr. C is suing Andrew for defamation of character. Bridget and Catherine come to an understanding about Juliet's bleak future should this ordeal continue, and individually convince Andrew to settle so everyone can move on.
Of course all is revealed in a Midtown hotel room, where Juliet, Tessa and Mr. C convene to drink whiskey and celebrate the big scheme the managed to pull off. It's almost exactly the plot of Wild Things, if you're still not following. Juliet gets her trust fund back, Mr. C never has to teach public school again, and Tessa will probably just buy lots of peroxide and black eye shadow. Oh, Juliet. I was totally on your side.
How it ends: Siobhan brings Henry to a bank to open her safety deposit box, and lets him listen to something being stored inside on headphones. The audience doesn't get to hear. Insert Shocked Henry Face Here. And now, the photocap!
I feel that it's worth mentioning that I completely called the Wild Things subplot back in episode four, without even realizing it. A lot of good it did me, though, as I still shrieked like a banshee at the big reveal. My beloved Juliet! I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Also, in plotlines that just weren't that interesting: Alien Cher (welcome back!) extorts Henry into making Guh-emma's ailing, filthy rich father invest in Martin/Charles. It works. And thanks to Siobhan's plan, Henry gets left holding the bag once again. Plus side: no Malcolm again this week!