Wednesday, May 26, 2010

EMMY? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME



Now that the TV season is pretty much over (Glee is being such a straggler!), we get to reflect on the performances some of our favorite actors and actresses gave us. The Hollywood Reporter recently held a roundtable discussion with - collectively - the hottest men on television.

Almost.

Matthew Fox of Lost, Jon Hamm of Mad Men, Alexander Skarsgard of True Blood and Matthew Bomer of White Collar? Absolutely. Have I ever seen White Collar? Nope. But I know that Bomer is hot, without clothing a lot of the time, and a real-life homo. So he gets to join the club. Brian Cranston of Breaking Bad and Ray Romano of...something? Sorry, guys. You've been replaced:


My beloved Lost men Nestor Carbonell and Henry Ian Cusick are stepping in to right the sexy scale. And speaking of - I'm almost a little miffed that NO ONE alerted me to the existence of this photo:



It makes me short of breath. They want to be together. You can just see it! Or they could both just be looking around for me. Pick one.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BASICS


It seems that The CW has finally come to their senses. During their 2010 Upfront presentation, The Ostroff announced that 90210 and Gossip Girl would once again be sharing a home on Monday nights. Of all the different networks' switcheroos, this is one I can actually sign off on.

No longer will GG be saddled with the dead weight of the C-Dubb's nursing home drama One Tree Hill! Sorry, Melrose Place - you're as dead as Katie Cassidy is on the inside - but now the only thing we'll be comparing BevNiner to is...well...nothing! Did you see the finale?



So break out the mimosas, because TV's most glamorous, guiltiest and outrageous night is gonna be Mondays on The CW. Here's a little preview of what The Ostroff had to say about Gossip Girl's upcoming 4th season (spoiler alert!):
"Season four will open with a radiant Serena and Blair enjoying their grand and romantic Summer in Paris...until Chuck mysteriously arrives in town with a new girlfriend and a new identity. Blair swore off Chuck forever but will this changed man woo Blair into having a change of heart, or will Queen B set her sights on ruling Columbia University? And as for that baby...?"
I love that at first glance it makes it seem as though Serena and Blair are sharing a romantic Summer together. They're done with men! And is if couldn't get any soapier, I think perhaps we'll be treated to an amnesia storyline ripped straight outta The Muppets Take Manhattan. Awesome.



As for 90210, The Ostroff offered a much more vague peek into what season 3 will look like - complete with so many meaningless buzz words it makes my head spin...and my mouth drool:
"The third season welcomes the West Beverly kids to their senior year of high school. It;s the time of college acceptances and lovers' rejections, the time of prom dates and promises betrayed, the time of spring break, break-ups and make-ups - but as is always the case in Beverly Hills, it all happens in a world of sun and fun, palm trees and warm sea breezes, success and excess. From the beginning of the school year, the lives of the West Beverly Group will be shaken up in a way none of them could ever imagine. And from this new starting point, their journeys will take them to staggering new heights and terrifying new depths. We'll see the rise of a pop sensation and the fall of a group of friends, the beginning of a new love and the end of a professional dream, the creation of an unlikely family and the demise of another. And that's just the first week of school...It's now or never for the students of West Beverly, and they're not going to waste a moment of time. Expectations are high, hormones are raging, and scandals are hiding around every corner. From the brightest moments of love and happiness to the darkest hours of shame and fear, senior year at West Beverly promises to be an unforgettable journey."
Did you get all that? Basically it's going to be a fairy tale and the apocalypse...every week! With the prettiest 30-somethings around!


Honestly, this updated lineup just makes sense. 90210 and Gossip Girl have always been the East-Coast-West-Coast versions of each other, and it only makes sense to reunite them for one stellar night of OMFG television. Fall can't come soon enough!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

GIMME A 'HO' IF YA GOT YO FUNKY TRAIN FARE



Meet the XTrain! It's not the bullet train or MagLev thing you've been hearing so much about.

Now you can get to Vegas from LA in half..no, no, wait...an hour longer than the usual time! The official XTrain site claims it takes 5 hours to get to Las Vegas by car from Los Angeles. If you're in a Model-T, maybe. Granted the party atmosphere would no doubt be amazing - a hundred people or so, all drunk and literally on miles of rails - but isn't at least a third of the fun of your Vegas bender the road trip portion? I know I always enjoy it, whether driving or being driven (thanks, Eric).

Far be it from me to argue with the necessity for newer, more inventive takes on the age-old classic "booze cruise". Seriously. I'm ready for party helicopters. Sign me up. My issue with the "XTrain" lies with its designers. Did anyone else just have a horrible 90s flashback, fun fur and all? I'm not looking for Bing Crosby or anything, but it's all just too...extreme. Which in itself feels like the quintessential 90s buzz word. Anyhoo, their train certainly goes to 11:


Oh, I didn't realize there was an on-board Hard Rock Cafe!


I feel like this would have to be called the "Sausage Party Car" but in the most heterosexual way possible. Extreme chairbacks! Extreme carpet! Extreme orchids!


Ah, for those high-rollers (read: senior citizens) who want a touch of class. Coming soon: Slutty girls from Glendale in Ke$ha dresses mounting commando anything nailed down!


And this is some straight outta Showgirls shit. It reminds me of a cross between the Stardust and Kyle McLachlan's house.

Needless to say, I'm totally doing this. At least once, before the whole operation shuts down because someone tries to take home a dead hooker on The GAP Band's Party Train. Which, incidentally plays on a loop on their website. Which is actually kind of amazing.

In the end, I raise my glass to the XTrain and their pioneering efforts. You may not be the best...but you'll be the first.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

FOR THE LOVE OF PATTY



Lessons Learned:
MSCL's Patty Chase Mother's Day Edition


Editor's Note: In honor of Mother's Day, I'd like to take a moment to commemorate a legendary TV mom. The year was 1994, the network was ABC, and the show was My So-Called Life. Bess Armstrong portrayed Patty Chase, mother to the ultimate angsty teen, Angela (Claire Danes).

Long before Josh Schwartz spoon fed us parental plotlines alongside his teenage ones - The O.C., Gossip Girl - Winnie Holzman created MSCL, where not only were the grown-up stories compelling, but they were often just as emotionally relatable. It's time that Patty got her fair share of the spotlight.

1. Try as you might, sometimes you really do just need to grow up and choose a side. (Pilot)

2. When entering a Mother-Daughter charity fashion show, always make a bold statement...like a giant hat and a side-ponytail. (The Zit)

3. If you're gonna have crazy costumed sex with your husband on Halloween dressed as Rapunzel and a pirate, tell everyone that you were going to be Bill and Hillary Clinton to avoid suspicion. (Halloween)

4. When it comes to teenage girls, mothers always get dibs on their silent contempt. (Father Figures)

5. It is extremely rude to go into someone's home and finish an entire brick of cheese. (Pilot)

6. Try to avoid getting into the kind of fights where it feels like the fight is having you. (So-Called Angels)

7. What's wrong with streamers for a party? (Other People's Mothers)

8. If you suspect your daughter's recently sober friend of falling off the wagon, make sure you call her mother first thing in the morning and be as judgmentally friendly about the situation as possible. (On The Wagon)

9. When giving "the sex talk", use non-threatening language to describe having a boyfriend, like "male pal". (Guns and Gossip)

10. Never, ever leave a box of sexy-handcuffs at home with your horny teenage daughter and her horny friends while you go away for the weekend. (Weekend)



Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there, both real and fictitious. And of course, an extra special shout-out to my own mother. Mom, not only did you teach me the difference between right and wrong, but also that grey area in between that can be really, really funny. Lots of love.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

MY LITTLE OLSEN



We all know how much of a joke the Olsen Twins are nowadays. They're practically walking punchlines in peasant dresses. But when I came across VeryMaryKate.com, it occurred to me that their absurdity hadn't really been properly mined by comedians.

Enter Elaine Carroll. This girl is a fucking genius. Not only does she know how to dress like Mary Kate, but she's got that weird lip-smirk-smile-grimace thing down COLD. And when she plays Ashley as well? It's like watching the original
Parent Trap from the 60s. Here are a couple of my favorites:



I was surprised as anyone when Mary Kate decided she was going to become a "legitimate actress". But to my surprise, she was actually pretty good on Weeds (it also helped that season 3 was the last decent season of that show).

The other thing I realized was that I literally hadn't heard either of the twins speak since their days on Full House. For good measure, here's one more...since Bodyguard is kinda hot:



Take a look at all 19 videos (they're each only about 1.5 minutes) and marvel in her hilarity!



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go spend some MK Bucks. They're good wherever MK products are sold!