Thursday, January 22, 2009

WHOSE HOUSE?



OBAMA'S HOUSE! It's been a little over 48 hours, and in this time President Barack Obama has outlawed torture, set a closing date for Guantanamo Bay, overturned abortion bans and re-emphasized his commitment to civil rights. I imagine that this was the same amount of time it took George W. Bush to locate all the restroom facilities in the White House.

But wait, there's more! Obama did so while the first daughters were running around the executive residence with the Jonas Brothers during a frakking scavenger hunt. Just give me a photo of Michelle fist-bumping her army of stylists in one of her many walk-in closets and I can die a happy man. Keep up the good work!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

BORROWING WILLIAM'S PEARLS



"The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews."
- William Faulkner


Pearls of wisdom...and words to live by, indeed - even if you're not a writer. A great big thank you to Google Image Search for having a ridiculous and random shirtless photo of the late Mr. Faulkner...as the second search result. Is it a part of some literary fetish? I guess that's a discussion for another time. Or maybe never.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

WEEKEND GLAMOUR

While out and about - enjoying the 75+ degree weather - I pulled up next to this tastefully customized sedan. It reminded me of an old friend who used to pronounce Louis Vuitton as "Lewis" Vuitton. Much love to all my fellow Fashion College alumni! Stay classy, FIDM!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

HORNY FOR SIGOURNEY



The Golden Globes are on tonight, and it's got me thinking about who my actual favorite actors / actresses are. I can tell you who my least favorites are before you even finish the sentence - Minnie "Cunt" Driver and Paul "Repulsive" Giamatti - but I've always had a hard time picking favorites. But there is one lady - one that I've always enjoyed, but never really thought about as a 'favorite' until now. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Sigourney Weaver!

I have such a love for this woman. I'm not actually sexually attracted to her, as the title of this post suggests. But I definitely have a Lady-Crush on her. She's just so amazing! Nevermind the fact that she was nominated for an Emmy for her work in the socially relevant and hard-hitting masterpiece Snow White: A Tale of Terror and won an aforementioned Golden Globe for that Gorillas In The Mist movie. SigWeav is at her best when she's either playing comedy or beating the Christ out of aliens. Prease to enjoy my top 10 Sigourney Weaver roles:


#10 - The Village
as Alice Hunt

So I saw this movie one time, and it was in the theaters. This was the last M. Night Shamalamadingdong film I actually cared about. It had a pretty creepy premise, and SigWeav was great as raging bitch monster Alice Hunt. I figured out the "twist" about 1/4 of the way in, and I was really proud of me for that. Since that day, people have been chipping away at my self-esteem by telling me that they figured it out, like, during the opening credits. I don't care! I still stand by my love for this movie...and Sigourney in period dress.


#9 - Wall-E
as Ship's Computer (voice)

Lady Weav-ington has jumped on board the voice acting bandwagon a couple times in the past few years. Wall-E represents the time it actually worked. That silky smooth voice just works so well! Especially when she's ordering around morbidly-obese CGI characters. She made this incredible film even better...and that's saying a lot.


#8 - Baby Mama
as Chaffee Bicknell

As head of the surrogate center Tina Fey's character goes to get her biological clock to shut the hell up, SigWeav is back to her well-dressed-intimidating-but-she's-still-a-woman character - this time as the perfectly named Chaffee Bicknell. I Netflix'd this one. Despite loving basically everyone in this movie, it just kinda fell flat. But by no fault of Siggy's! Bat-shit crazy looks almost as good on her as a solid-colored pantsuit.


#7 - Imaginary Heroes
as Sandy Travis

What a great movie. I saw it at the Sunset 5, and bought it on DVD almost immediately. Granted I haven't watched it since that time, but I remember being wholly mesmerized by the Duchess of Weavonia's portrayal as a housewife going through some major life changes (I won't spoil them for you, but check this one out). It's no surprise why promotional materials always used the above picture. Hell, they even used it on the cover of the DVD. Trolling for weed, SigWeav runs into some trouble at her local grocery store. Brilliant!


#6 - Jeffrey
as Debra Moorhouse

Who can take a bit part in a film - where Captain Picard prances around in a pink beret as a member of the Chelsea Neighborhood Watch known as the "Pink Panthers" - and turn it into one of the highlights of the whole damn thing? The Divine Miss SW, that's who! Playing a tough-talking self-help guru / motivational speaker with a catchphrase "That's DEBRA!", Sigourney schools Brian-from-Wings in how to be a proper homosexual, and takes Kathy Najimy (above) to the mat for wanting to stick it to her abusive mother. Extra points for what is, to my knowledge, the first onscreen pantsuit of SigWeav's career!


#5 - Galaxy Quest
as Gwen DeMarco

She's blonde, she's busty, and she repeats everything the ship's computer says! A harmless skewering of Star Trek with a fantastical twist, Weavey delights as a former actress all too aware of what her purpose was on the show...boners for the mens. Alan Rick is an alien, too!


#4 - Ghostbusters
as Dana Barrett

"There is no Dana...only Zuul." The spark between Siggy and Bill Murray was what first taught me about chemistry in relationships. The costumes made me jealous I wasn't a woman. The effects made me want magical powers. HOW DID I POSSIBLY END UP BEING GAY?


#3 - The Alien Quadrilogy
as Ellen Ripley

Want to witness an ordinary human become a gutsy, balls-out heroine? Watch Alien. The first entry into the franchise shows how a (hot!) Warrant Officer aboard the U.S.S. Tom Skerritt assumes leadership of their spaceship when the shit-your-pants-it's-so-scary Xenomorph turns the Nostromo into an intergalactic Hometown Buffet. Her evolution as a character gets more than a little rocky after the first sequel, but I would still line up on opening day to see SigWeav step into Ripley's badass boots once more.


#2 - Heartbreakers
as Max Conners

Billed by my then-local newspaper as "..an A+ jiggle-fest", there was no way I wans't going to see Siggy and Jennifer Love Hewitt as a mother-daughter team of con-artists. I'm sure quite a few of you have your doubts about this one, but trust me. Once Sigourney starts pretending to be Russian and sings "Back in the U.S.S.R." at a Soviet restaurant - all to impress mark Gene Hackman - you'll thank me.


#1 - The TV Set
as Lenny

Originally written for a man, the part of Lenny was given to the Weavster...who insisted that absolutely none of her lines be changed from back when the character was packing sausage. What you get is a stellar character in an already stellar satire, tearing the entertainment industry several new assholes without breaking a sweat. Lenny is an unholy bitch of a network president intent on either abandoning or tweaking David Duchovny's pilot he's worked so hard to see come to realization. People who're familiar with the industry will laugh through their discomfort, as The TV Set is an alarmingly accurate portrayal of the TV / Movie biz. Plus, you get to see Madame Sigo sing the praises of the network's newest reality TV hit "Slut Wars" and proclaim "19 share, motherfuckers!"

So there you have it. 10 solid reasons why I love Sigourney Weaver, and why you should too. If I could give her an award, I would. Gods knows she deserves all of them. Here's to you, SigWeav! Call me and we'll get fucked up together and watch all your movies!