Friday, September 26, 2008

DEATH TAKES A (POSTAL) HOLIDAY



Act now! Reapers are standing by to take your call! Remember old school junk mail? Before it all became about prescription drug spam online? This company clearly does. There are a lot of elderly folks in my building, can you tell?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

SILVER FOX HUNTING



Today I gave some invaluable and 100% unsolicited advice to a friend. Never underestimate the advantages of a good Silver Fox. Confused? They constantly work to remain physically fit, hair is easily manageable, and disposable income is at a level higher than even a double-income-no-kids couple under the age of 30. They generally have a good sense of humor, and you'll actually be doing them a service by elevating their social status a couple notches by your youth and beauty. Here are some key points to watch out for / keep in mind, should you be in the market:

The Ex-Wife. Some Silver Foxes - a risk you run with midlifers - come with baggage from their "old" life. And by "old" I mean "straight". Ex-wives aren't usually tossed out with the garbage and back issues of Sports Illustrated. They can transition themselves into confidantes who, much to your dismay - will be highly suspicious of your intentions. Attempts to win her over are usually met with hostile resistance. If you know she's coming: plan not to be there, and hide conspicuous evidence of your existence in her ex-husband's life. On a related note, always be busy if your Silver Fox wants to introduce you to his children. There's a good chance they're going to be around the same age as you, and once your Silver Fox sees you side-by-side with his spawn the comparisons will just keep coming.


The Best Friend. The best friend is either going to love you or be incredibly jealous. It's a crap shoot, really. Much like the ex-wife factor, they're going to behave in an extremely protective manner. Play Sally Sunshine and invite the best friend to dinner sometime, perhaps just the two of you. This will allow you to recite the the standard speech about how you're not just into your Silver Fox because of his money. (TIP: Stay away from Silver Foxes with ties to the stock market. Recent developments in the economy aside, going after an investment banker is 100% transparent and won't get you even one foot into Barney's.) Be prepared to pay for dinner. Not only does it drive the thought home that you don't need your Silver Fox, but you'll even end up scoring classy points.

Nothin' But Blue Skies. Once you've won the trust of the best friend, there is still continuous work to be done. Under NO circumstances are you to mix your circle of friends with your Silver Fox's. Members of one or both groups will be uncomfortable, and on rare occasions - but it does happen - conflicts can arise. The bottom line? The appeal for the Silver Fox is that the youthful life you lead appears to be much simpler than his own. This is incredibly attractive. Don't spoil it by talking about your problems too much.


Work It While You Can. Realistically, your time with a Silver Fox is very finite. At best, you have maybe 2-3 months. Always keep in mind that the clock is ticking. The good stuff (barely-supervised shopping trips, weekend travel) usually happens within the first 1-2 weeks. How long these things continue - or steadily increase - depends on you. How adventurous are you willing to be sexually? When he says jump, are you prepared to say "into which sling?" Just be careful not to get too kinky without provocation, or you'll look like a whore.

Time To Youthanize. Finally, it's always best to be the one who ends the relationship. It doesn't matter if you're dating high schoolers or 40-somethings. If you sense that your Silver Fox is feeling uncomfortable with your situation, take the upper hand and call it off...this is something I like to call "youthanasia". Remember - it's not anything that YOU feel - you're simply reacting to a vibe you're getting from him. This way you're breaking up with him, yet you still come across as the injured party. Offer to give back 1 (one) gift that he has given you. (TIP: If you know you're going to pull the plug, plan ahead and wear something that he's given you - like a jacket or watch - that you can easily remove if he takes you up on your offer.) Most Silver Foxes won't ask for the rest of the gifts back - they're too mature to be that tacky*. Kiss him on the cheek, exit the restaurant, and call yourself a taxi. You can take care of yourself, after all. You just don't always want to.

*Speaking of tacky - don't go bouncing from one Silver Fox to another...it's bad form. Everything in moderation! Besides - you do it for too long a stretch, and people will think you're a hooker.

Friday, September 19, 2008

WHAT IF DOVE MADE A MOVIE...AND NO ONE CAME?


The answer to this riddle is simple: It would be called The Women. Against our collective better judgment, me, Eric and Rob went to see this remake of the 1930s classic last night. The trailers looked cute...enough. The main draw for me was the cavalcade of lady stars, and - of course - the potential for it to be a complete mess. As a connoisseur of bad movies, I couldn't NOT go see it.



Right from the get-go, the marketing of this film has been shameless...to say the very least. The ads (as seen above) basically force the idea down your throat to make it a "girls night out" and hit the cineplex. The poster may as well say, "Remember how much fun you had with your girlfriends when you all went to see Sex and the City?" Naturally, the female cast of hundreds has been boiled down to its Cosmopolitan-sipping lowest common denominator in the promotional materials, choosing to highlight Mary/Carrie (Meg Ryan), Sylvie/Samantha (Annette Benning), Edie/Charlotte (Debra Messing) and Alex/Miranda (Jada Pinkett-Smith).



I'll admit that as we were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start, I was a little excited. Mainly because it's fun to wonder how fast the train is going to be moving before it crashes. Even in the opening credits, you'd have to possess the brain power of a thermos to not understand what this whole debacle is going to be about. New York City (except it's filmed in Boston) women with lots of money, and the emotional shitstorms they can't buy their way out of. Nutshell? Mary's husband is having an affair, Sylvie finds out about it from trashy Saks manicurist Tanya (Debi Mazar), Edie has 648 children, and Alex is a blocked lesbian novelist. We're not talking Citizen Kane.



The novelty of a movie with absolutely no men in it fades pretty quickly, let me tell you. It did however force me to shine a light on myself - in the way that after watching a woman talk for more than 15 minutes about her problems, I tend to zone out and look at a man. In The Women, there is no such escape. There's literally nowhere to turn. It's like staring A Clockwork Orange-style for 114 minutes at Meg Ryan's monster rag doll perm, Annette Benning's craterous wrinkles, and other such horrors.

I had my first Vomitus Maximus moment about 9 hours in, while watching Mary have a breakdown to house/cryptkeeper Maggie (Cloris Leachman) and some Danish indentured servant named "Uta". Frantically searching the kitchen cabinets for junk food, she settles on a stick of butter, cocoa powder and a small glass of milk. There's dunking involved. It was one of the most revolting things I've ever seen Meg Ryan do - and I've seen
Addicted To Love. In what I'm sure was ad-libbed and completely necessary, Cloris Leachman downs half a glass of scotch while observing this mess.



There was a glimmer of hope in the vast darkness when Bette Midler showed up. Playing a platinum blonde, 5-times-married, psychotic LA agent named Leah could have saved the movie. But since it was merely a cameo, all it did was remind us cruelly that we weren't watching The First Wives Club. She did have one of the only good lines, though. Talking about her experiences at rehab: "I ran screaming from the Betty - twice."

The rest of the cast I'll just break down for you quick and easy:
  • Eva Mendes is the "vixen" who's having the affair with Mary's husband, despite looking like a tranny hooker
  • Candice Bergen is Mary's rich bitch mother, the complete opposite of Murphy Brown
  • Carrie Fisher is a snatchy writer working for a tabloid
  • Ana Gasteyer wishes she hadn't left Saturday Night Live
My second and final Vomitus Maximus moment came towards the end, when Edie is giving birth to yet another child. Child birth is a miracle, blah blah blah. I don't want to see it. I didn't want to see it when I was in middle school, and I certainly don't want to watch an actress - who's work I hope to enjoy in the future - scream, moan and push while in stirrups. I heard the word "crowning" and almost threw up, just like Jada Pinkett-Smith's pointless lesbian character.



Needless to say there were a lot of offensive things in this film. The reprehensible Dove product placement was sickening. It was at its worst when at one point they're actually WATCHING A DOVE COMMERCIAL...in the movie. But as things crawled toward a resolution, it was the message conveyed by nearly all the main characters that was the most infuriating. Maybe it
is our fault, after all. In the end though, it can all be summed up by one of Edie's lines:

"Any one of us could make a really big mistake."


Sorry ladies - it's too late.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING & LOVE THE CW


Over the past few weeks I've discovered something about myself that most people around me have likely known for some time...occasionally I'm a teenage girl. When 2 of my friends independently told me this within a week of each other, I knew I had to start examining the evidence. And as evidence goes...there was a pretty strong case in support of this theory. It's actually pretty separate from the gay thing, too. There are times when I definitely seem to be uncannily in tune with the mindset of a 16 year old girl.


Exhibit A
For my birthday this year, my friend Andre got me a giant mylar Unicorn balloon. I went apeshit. It's still in my kitchen, and part of me (now you know which part) wants to take it to a party supply store and have them re-inflate it.




Exhibit B
While shopping for snacks for a party with Robert, this exchange took place:
Robert: "Here, we should get the roasted garlic hummus."
Me: "No! We shouldn't get anything with garlic in it, in case people want to make out."
Robert: (incredulously) "I don't think it's gonna be that kinda crowd."



Exhibit C
I love romantic comedies. Sure, this could also make me a sad woman - but that doesn't change the fact that I will cry without fail every time I watch Bridget Jones's Diary or The Holiday. You know, because I really feel like I can relate to one puffy, fake brit as well as a sassy, talented one.




Exhibit D
Once while driving home on the freeway with the windows down, a school bus full of middle schoolers heard/saw me rocking out to my (then) favorite song of the moment - "What Time Is It?", the opening number from High School Musical 2. They cheered and a few of them gave me the peace sign. I threw it back at them and sped past, feeling like the coolest person ever.





I could go on, but frankly anything more would just be a little embarassing. Not for me to admit, but for you to read. Thank the gods I don't behave like a teenage girl all the time, but just enough so that I can accept it and own it. Part of the charm of me, really. I'm like a kaboodles full of all the knowledge you didn't think you had to grasp, being over the age of 16. Thankfully I can also tell you a lot about drinking, sex, and maybe even politics. But right now you'll have to excuse me, I have to go talk to Rob about last night's Gossip Girl before we watch 90210...that Mr. Matthews is so dreamy!