Tuesday, September 23, 2008

SILVER FOX HUNTING



Today I gave some invaluable and 100% unsolicited advice to a friend. Never underestimate the advantages of a good Silver Fox. Confused? They constantly work to remain physically fit, hair is easily manageable, and disposable income is at a level higher than even a double-income-no-kids couple under the age of 30. They generally have a good sense of humor, and you'll actually be doing them a service by elevating their social status a couple notches by your youth and beauty. Here are some key points to watch out for / keep in mind, should you be in the market:

The Ex-Wife. Some Silver Foxes - a risk you run with midlifers - come with baggage from their "old" life. And by "old" I mean "straight". Ex-wives aren't usually tossed out with the garbage and back issues of Sports Illustrated. They can transition themselves into confidantes who, much to your dismay - will be highly suspicious of your intentions. Attempts to win her over are usually met with hostile resistance. If you know she's coming: plan not to be there, and hide conspicuous evidence of your existence in her ex-husband's life. On a related note, always be busy if your Silver Fox wants to introduce you to his children. There's a good chance they're going to be around the same age as you, and once your Silver Fox sees you side-by-side with his spawn the comparisons will just keep coming.


The Best Friend. The best friend is either going to love you or be incredibly jealous. It's a crap shoot, really. Much like the ex-wife factor, they're going to behave in an extremely protective manner. Play Sally Sunshine and invite the best friend to dinner sometime, perhaps just the two of you. This will allow you to recite the the standard speech about how you're not just into your Silver Fox because of his money. (TIP: Stay away from Silver Foxes with ties to the stock market. Recent developments in the economy aside, going after an investment banker is 100% transparent and won't get you even one foot into Barney's.) Be prepared to pay for dinner. Not only does it drive the thought home that you don't need your Silver Fox, but you'll even end up scoring classy points.

Nothin' But Blue Skies. Once you've won the trust of the best friend, there is still continuous work to be done. Under NO circumstances are you to mix your circle of friends with your Silver Fox's. Members of one or both groups will be uncomfortable, and on rare occasions - but it does happen - conflicts can arise. The bottom line? The appeal for the Silver Fox is that the youthful life you lead appears to be much simpler than his own. This is incredibly attractive. Don't spoil it by talking about your problems too much.


Work It While You Can. Realistically, your time with a Silver Fox is very finite. At best, you have maybe 2-3 months. Always keep in mind that the clock is ticking. The good stuff (barely-supervised shopping trips, weekend travel) usually happens within the first 1-2 weeks. How long these things continue - or steadily increase - depends on you. How adventurous are you willing to be sexually? When he says jump, are you prepared to say "into which sling?" Just be careful not to get too kinky without provocation, or you'll look like a whore.

Time To Youthanize. Finally, it's always best to be the one who ends the relationship. It doesn't matter if you're dating high schoolers or 40-somethings. If you sense that your Silver Fox is feeling uncomfortable with your situation, take the upper hand and call it off...this is something I like to call "youthanasia". Remember - it's not anything that YOU feel - you're simply reacting to a vibe you're getting from him. This way you're breaking up with him, yet you still come across as the injured party. Offer to give back 1 (one) gift that he has given you. (TIP: If you know you're going to pull the plug, plan ahead and wear something that he's given you - like a jacket or watch - that you can easily remove if he takes you up on your offer.) Most Silver Foxes won't ask for the rest of the gifts back - they're too mature to be that tacky*. Kiss him on the cheek, exit the restaurant, and call yourself a taxi. You can take care of yourself, after all. You just don't always want to.

*Speaking of tacky - don't go bouncing from one Silver Fox to another...it's bad form. Everything in moderation! Besides - you do it for too long a stretch, and people will think you're a hooker.

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