Sunday, December 14, 2008


So after watching the first part of the Battlestar Galactica webseries "The Face of the Enemy" on Friday night, my intense obsession with this show has been re-activated. It's incredibly bittersweet, though - as my overwhelming excitement for the next 10 episodes is tempered with the heartbreaking knowledge that they will in fact be the final 10 episodes. The good news? They're not going to disappoint. It's just not possible.

And judging by the crazy m4m shit they're already pulling on TFoTE (also known as "Battlestar Homoerotica") - it's also mathematically improbable that they can frak it all up so close to the end. They know what they're doing.

If for some reason you're still reading this and have never seen
Battlestar Galactica - subsequently meaning that you've never had your mind penetrated by the GODS OF AWESOME...well, Sci-Fi Channel has just the ticket. Given that you don't mind being filled in on everything - spoilers abound - check out this incredible (and funny) video they've put together. It's a perfectly assembled summary of what's happened so far...since the beginning. Please to enjoy "Catch The Frak Up!":

January 16th at 10pm, bitches!

Saturday, December 6, 2008


What many people don't know about the building where I live is that there are a lot of old folks...or there were at some point. My apartment in particular became vacant (as many more have in recent months) due to the untimely passing of the previous tenants. At first it sounds creepy, yes. But as I was moving in over a year ago, I decided that it could be fun living with a ghost. Kinda like "Dennis" who lived with Cordelia for a couple seasons on Angel.

My pet ghost is an old woman, who apparently died in my bedroom. Incidentally, our sex lives were remarkably similar for a while. Anyhoo - every now and then a door will close seemingly on its own, but she's relatively well-behaved. She doesn't usually help me out with anything, but thankfully she's not making the walls bleed, either. I take that as a sign that she doesn't mind me and Rob living here. The only real issue has been my shower: I've had more problems with pipes, leaking, tiles - not outrageous, mind you - just more trouble than (in my opinion) one tenant should have to contend with over an extended period of time.

Well last night, I solved the mystery. When I moved in, there was a shower caddy hanging over my shower head. It was clear that it wasn't brand new, so I just assumed that it belonged to the previous tenant. Is it morbid that I kept using it? Possibly. I chalk it up to laziness more than anything. I mean, it was a working shower caddy, and I didn't really feel like going out and buying a new one. If it ain't broke, don't fix it - right?

But as I was getting ready to hit the town last night, I realized that this may be the key to all of my shower-related issues. My pet ghost old woman is clearly bothered by the fact that a lazy homosexual is using her shower caddy. So what's a non-violent, elderly poltergeist to do? Plumbing problems, of course. So last night, I ceremoniously removed the haunted shower caddy from my bathroom. I might bury it or something.

The end is where this story gets really good, though. This morning I was awoken by my landlord, so he could show a painter into my apartment. His only task while there? To re-caulk the shower in my bathroom. This wasn't something I requested, or even brought up to my landlord. The painter just left a few minutes ago, and everything looks pristine and amazing. The verdict? My shower exorcism was a success! I hope that my pet ghost old woman and the spirit of her shower caddy are finally at peace. This house is clean!

Thursday, November 27, 2008


Happy Thanksgiving! After an amazing drive through California and Arizona yesterday/night, I made it past the Mexican border around 11:30pm, just 30 minutes shy of them closing for the night. I have to say - for all the talk about Border Patrol, there really wasn't much security. I was basically just waved along through. I guess there aren't a lot of people looking to flee to Mexico, though.

The night took an interesting turn when I found myself LOST in the small border town of Sonoyta. In case you were wondering: it actually is a third world country. At least, this part was. Not many street signs, paved roads, or lights of any kind. You know what they do have? Crooked cops.

After speaking to a rude non-English-speaking motel clerk to try and get directions to my actual hotel, I was turning around in the parking lot when I saw flashing police lights. It turns out that in my frazzled state I forgot to turn my headlights on for those whole 4 seconds, and I was now facing ARREST. Thankfully one of my co-workers advised my prior to my departure to play their game, should I ever get pulled over. Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly?) - it worked. I gave the snarky cop all the cash I had in my wallet ($12, don't worry) and he sent me on my way. It was mind-blowing not only to try something like that, but even more so that it actually worked.

So there you have it. One night in a foreign country and I've already bribed a member of law enforcement. On the lighter side, the pictures in this post are of my hotel, the Vina del Mar. Nice place, overlooking the ocean here at Rocky Point. Say what you will about my first night, but when I finally arrived at my hotel several hours later, all was right in the world when I discovered they had wi-fi. And to that, I am thankful. That, and the fact that I live in America and not Mexico.

Now it's time to relax and enjoy the scenery - Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Later this afternoon I begin my road trip - or "viaje del camino" - making the approximately 10-hour drive from Los Angeles to Puerto Penasco, Mexico. I've never been after all this time, and Thanksgiving seems like as good a time as any! My new laptop (Big Daddy) is coming with, so hopefully I'll be able to throw some updates online over the course of this long weekend.

Wacky adventures south of the border, here I come!

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Last night was the massive protest in West Hollywood against Proposition 8. We heard from members of various religious faiths, the head of Equality California, leaders of the No on Prop 8 campaign, and many more. The message was simple: We are angry. What started as an already considerably-sized rally turned into an enormous march on the streets of West Hollywood, Hollywood, Los Angeles and Beverly Hills. Literally thousands upon thousands of protesters filled the streets (at many points with cars still in them) to show that - as one sign said - "This Isn't Over".

I personally believe that last night was the beginning of the real movement towards equality. It's not going to be an easy road...there will be tough times ahead. But we will succeed. We're just getting started! Below are photos I was able to snap during the march, which lasted around 4 hours.

Rally at San Vicente Blvd, in between Santa Monica Blvd & Melrose Ave in West Hollywood

Several miles later, we arrive at Hollywood & Highland

Police stand-off with the LAPD at Hollywood & Highland

A few people were arrested during this stand-off (note the LAPD's riot gear)

Police barricades at Santa Monica Blvd and La Brea Ave, heading back into West Hollywood

Filling the streets on Santa Monica Blvd at Plummer Park, back in West Hollywood

About 95% of cars were honking and cheering in support

FYI - there is another protest this afternoon at 2pm, at the Mormon Temple on Santa Monica Blvd. Unfortunately I won't be able to make this one, but I did get confirmation that a large group of protesters proceeded in that direction last night, after the initial march. What do we want? EQUALITY! When do we want it? NOW!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


There's a storm coming.

So Prop 8 has (technically) officially passed, meaning that there will now be a amendment written into the California constitution banning gay marriage. This also means that it will retroactively wipe away all the same-sex marriages that have been performed since it was legalized.

I'm not even going to get into how awful this is and how disappointed I am in such a large segment of the CA population. Instead, I'm taking action:

*************SPECIAL BULLETIN*************

Proposition 8 Protest Rally & Street Closures
Wednesday, November 5th

As deeply disappointed as we all are that California voters passed Proposition 8, we must not allow that disappointment to linger. This vote is a temporary defeat in the long march toward equal rights for all citizens in America.

Please join me for a protest rally tonight at 7 pm on San Vicente Blvd between West Hollywood Park and the Pacific Design Center (647 N. San Vicente Blvd. West Hollywood CA 90069) as we move forward towards restoring equality for all in California.

San Vicente Blvd, between Santa Monica Blvd and Melrose Avenue will be closed tonight starting at 6 pm. San Vicente south-bound traffic will be directed to make left or right at Santa Monica Blvd. Signs have already been posted to help divert traffic.

The time for passivity is gone. I am ready to fight. What happened last night is going to create an entirely new subset of the population (gay and straight) that - some for the first time in their lives - are going to stand up, protest, and rally. They are going to voice their anger, outrage and demand for equal rights. Something has literally been taken away from me, as well as countless others. So from this moment on, I join the "New Activists" as well as those that have been fighting for my rights for years now.

To the Mormons, the Repubs, and anyone else who supported this proposition based solely on and encouraging hate...well, I hope you're ready for the fight of your lives. We're not going away, we're not giving up, and we're not backing down. The civility of lawn signs and phone banks is over.

Welcome to the new frontier of civil rights.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


After watching the most incredible speech that I may ever see in my lifetime, I am overcome with joy and also a sobbing mess. Change has truly come to America. YES WE CAN!


Today is a big day. Bigger than big, actually. Today is HUGE. Today we will elect a new leader. Today is the day we take our country back. After 21 months of campaigning, it all comes down to this. I spoke to my mother last night, and we were talking about the concept of a "private ballot" election, which this one (technically) is. A lot of people in the conservative Massachusetts town I hail from don't talk about who they vote for. I guess I wouldn't either, were I to vote the same way a lot of those people do, though...

That I being said, I have to respectfully disagree. This is an exciting time in our nation. After 2 terms under a [blank]ing [blank] [blank]head - feel free to fill in the blanks however you'd like - it's time to change the shape of things to come. And you know what? I'm PROUD of my voting decisions. In fact, it's with overwhelming pride that I'll share with anyone who will listen that I voted for Barack Obama. He is powerful, empathetic, intelligent and a real stand-up human being. This man will change everything.

While electing Obama is obviously priority one, there's another big issue that I've been rallying for. Proposition 8 is a ballot measure that - if passed - would eliminate the right for same-sex couples to marry in CA. This is 100% unacceptable. I'm not generally a very political person, but when someone starts infringing on my (or anyone's) rights, I come out fightin' like a wildcat. A couple weeks ago I organized and hosted a "Vote No on Prop 8" phone bank in my home, and it was a great experience...when it was over. During, it was especially nerve-racking and horrifying. Most people were very nice, though. And you know what? I'm confident that in just making those phone calls and speaking to people, the 8 of us involved helped make a difference. The ads say it all: Unfair. Wrong. Equality For All!

And since I've already given my endorsement for Obama and No on Prop 8, I figure I'll go all the way and share my endorsement for Election Night Viewing Venue. Even though all the West Hollywood bars are offering a place to join the community and watch the results, I've decided to go to The Abbey with my crew. There's going to be a drink special for every blue state won...not to mention that The Perry Twins will be spinning! Anyhoo, I'll hopefully be doing a mobile post or two during the course of the evening.

In the meantime, make sure you VOTE! The polls here in California are open til 8PM. No matter what anyone tries to tell you - EVERY VOTE COUNTS!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Act now! Reapers are standing by to take your call! Remember old school junk mail? Before it all became about prescription drug spam online? This company clearly does. There are a lot of elderly folks in my building, can you tell?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Today I gave some invaluable and 100% unsolicited advice to a friend. Never underestimate the advantages of a good Silver Fox. Confused? They constantly work to remain physically fit, hair is easily manageable, and disposable income is at a level higher than even a double-income-no-kids couple under the age of 30. They generally have a good sense of humor, and you'll actually be doing them a service by elevating their social status a couple notches by your youth and beauty. Here are some key points to watch out for / keep in mind, should you be in the market:

The Ex-Wife. Some Silver Foxes - a risk you run with midlifers - come with baggage from their "old" life. And by "old" I mean "straight". Ex-wives aren't usually tossed out with the garbage and back issues of Sports Illustrated. They can transition themselves into confidantes who, much to your dismay - will be highly suspicious of your intentions. Attempts to win her over are usually met with hostile resistance. If you know she's coming: plan not to be there, and hide conspicuous evidence of your existence in her ex-husband's life. On a related note, always be busy if your Silver Fox wants to introduce you to his children. There's a good chance they're going to be around the same age as you, and once your Silver Fox sees you side-by-side with his spawn the comparisons will just keep coming.

The Best Friend. The best friend is either going to love you or be incredibly jealous. It's a crap shoot, really. Much like the ex-wife factor, they're going to behave in an extremely protective manner. Play Sally Sunshine and invite the best friend to dinner sometime, perhaps just the two of you. This will allow you to recite the the standard speech about how you're not just into your Silver Fox because of his money. (TIP: Stay away from Silver Foxes with ties to the stock market. Recent developments in the economy aside, going after an investment banker is 100% transparent and won't get you even one foot into Barney's.) Be prepared to pay for dinner. Not only does it drive the thought home that you don't need your Silver Fox, but you'll even end up scoring classy points.

Nothin' But Blue Skies. Once you've won the trust of the best friend, there is still continuous work to be done. Under NO circumstances are you to mix your circle of friends with your Silver Fox's. Members of one or both groups will be uncomfortable, and on rare occasions - but it does happen - conflicts can arise. The bottom line? The appeal for the Silver Fox is that the youthful life you lead appears to be much simpler than his own. This is incredibly attractive. Don't spoil it by talking about your problems too much.

Work It While You Can. Realistically, your time with a Silver Fox is very finite. At best, you have maybe 2-3 months. Always keep in mind that the clock is ticking. The good stuff (barely-supervised shopping trips, weekend travel) usually happens within the first 1-2 weeks. How long these things continue - or steadily increase - depends on you. How adventurous are you willing to be sexually? When he says jump, are you prepared to say "into which sling?" Just be careful not to get too kinky without provocation, or you'll look like a whore.

Time To Youthanize. Finally, it's always best to be the one who ends the relationship. It doesn't matter if you're dating high schoolers or 40-somethings. If you sense that your Silver Fox is feeling uncomfortable with your situation, take the upper hand and call it off...this is something I like to call "youthanasia". Remember - it's not anything that YOU feel - you're simply reacting to a vibe you're getting from him. This way you're breaking up with him, yet you still come across as the injured party. Offer to give back 1 (one) gift that he has given you. (TIP: If you know you're going to pull the plug, plan ahead and wear something that he's given you - like a jacket or watch - that you can easily remove if he takes you up on your offer.) Most Silver Foxes won't ask for the rest of the gifts back - they're too mature to be that tacky*. Kiss him on the cheek, exit the restaurant, and call yourself a taxi. You can take care of yourself, after all. You just don't always want to.

*Speaking of tacky - don't go bouncing from one Silver Fox to's bad form. Everything in moderation! Besides - you do it for too long a stretch, and people will think you're a hooker.

Friday, September 19, 2008


The answer to this riddle is simple: It would be called The Women. Against our collective better judgment, me, Eric and Rob went to see this remake of the 1930s classic last night. The trailers looked cute...enough. The main draw for me was the cavalcade of lady stars, and - of course - the potential for it to be a complete mess. As a connoisseur of bad movies, I couldn't NOT go see it.

Right from the get-go, the marketing of this film has been say the very least. The ads (as seen above) basically force the idea down your throat to make it a "girls night out" and hit the cineplex. The poster may as well say, "Remember how much fun you had with your girlfriends when you all went to see Sex and the City?" Naturally, the female cast of hundreds has been boiled down to its Cosmopolitan-sipping lowest common denominator in the promotional materials, choosing to highlight Mary/Carrie (Meg Ryan), Sylvie/Samantha (Annette Benning), Edie/Charlotte (Debra Messing) and Alex/Miranda (Jada Pinkett-Smith).

I'll admit that as we were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start, I was a little excited. Mainly because it's fun to wonder how fast the train is going to be moving before it crashes. Even in the opening credits, you'd have to possess the brain power of a thermos to not understand what this whole debacle is going to be about. New York City (except it's filmed in Boston) women with lots of money, and the emotional shitstorms they can't buy their way out of. Nutshell? Mary's husband is having an affair, Sylvie finds out about it from trashy Saks manicurist Tanya (Debi Mazar), Edie has 648 children, and Alex is a blocked lesbian novelist. We're not talking Citizen Kane.

The novelty of a movie with absolutely no men in it fades pretty quickly, let me tell you. It did however force me to shine a light on myself - in the way that after watching a woman talk for more than 15 minutes about her problems, I tend to zone out and look at a man. In The Women, there is no such escape. There's literally nowhere to turn. It's like staring A Clockwork Orange-style for 114 minutes at Meg Ryan's monster rag doll perm, Annette Benning's craterous wrinkles, and other such horrors.

I had my first Vomitus Maximus moment about 9 hours in, while watching Mary have a breakdown to house/cryptkeeper Maggie (Cloris Leachman) and some Danish indentured servant named "Uta". Frantically searching the kitchen cabinets for junk food, she settles on a stick of butter, cocoa powder and a small glass of milk. There's dunking involved. It was one of the most revolting things I've ever seen Meg Ryan do - and I've seen
Addicted To Love. In what I'm sure was ad-libbed and completely necessary, Cloris Leachman downs half a glass of scotch while observing this mess.

There was a glimmer of hope in the vast darkness when Bette Midler showed up. Playing a platinum blonde, 5-times-married, psychotic LA agent named Leah could have saved the movie. But since it was merely a cameo, all it did was remind us cruelly that we weren't watching The First Wives Club. She did have one of the only good lines, though. Talking about her experiences at rehab: "I ran screaming from the Betty - twice."

The rest of the cast I'll just break down for you quick and easy:
  • Eva Mendes is the "vixen" who's having the affair with Mary's husband, despite looking like a tranny hooker
  • Candice Bergen is Mary's rich bitch mother, the complete opposite of Murphy Brown
  • Carrie Fisher is a snatchy writer working for a tabloid
  • Ana Gasteyer wishes she hadn't left Saturday Night Live
My second and final Vomitus Maximus moment came towards the end, when Edie is giving birth to yet another child. Child birth is a miracle, blah blah blah. I don't want to see it. I didn't want to see it when I was in middle school, and I certainly don't want to watch an actress - who's work I hope to enjoy in the future - scream, moan and push while in stirrups. I heard the word "crowning" and almost threw up, just like Jada Pinkett-Smith's pointless lesbian character.

Needless to say there were a lot of offensive things in this film. The reprehensible Dove product placement was sickening. It was at its worst when at one point they're actually WATCHING A DOVE the movie. But as things crawled toward a resolution, it was the message conveyed by nearly all the main characters that was the most infuriating. Maybe it
is our fault, after all. In the end though, it can all be summed up by one of Edie's lines:

"Any one of us could make a really big mistake."

Sorry ladies - it's too late.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Over the past few weeks I've discovered something about myself that most people around me have likely known for some time...occasionally I'm a teenage girl. When 2 of my friends independently told me this within a week of each other, I knew I had to start examining the evidence. And as evidence goes...there was a pretty strong case in support of this theory. It's actually pretty separate from the gay thing, too. There are times when I definitely seem to be uncannily in tune with the mindset of a 16 year old girl.

Exhibit A
For my birthday this year, my friend Andre got me a giant mylar Unicorn balloon. I went apeshit. It's still in my kitchen, and part of me (now you know which part) wants to take it to a party supply store and have them re-inflate it.

Exhibit B
While shopping for snacks for a party with Robert, this exchange took place:
Robert: "Here, we should get the roasted garlic hummus."
Me: "No! We shouldn't get anything with garlic in it, in case people want to make out."
Robert: (incredulously) "I don't think it's gonna be that kinda crowd."

Exhibit C
I love romantic comedies. Sure, this could also make me a sad woman - but that doesn't change the fact that I will cry without fail every time I watch Bridget Jones's Diary or The Holiday. You know, because I really feel like I can relate to one puffy, fake brit as well as a sassy, talented one.

Exhibit D
Once while driving home on the freeway with the windows down, a school bus full of middle schoolers heard/saw me rocking out to my (then) favorite song of the moment - "What Time Is It?", the opening number from High School Musical 2. They cheered and a few of them gave me the peace sign. I threw it back at them and sped past, feeling like the coolest person ever.

I could go on, but frankly anything more would just be a little embarassing. Not for me to admit, but for you to read. Thank the gods I don't behave like a teenage girl all the time, but just enough so that I can accept it and own it. Part of the charm of me, really. I'm like a kaboodles full of all the knowledge you didn't think you had to grasp, being over the age of 16. Thankfully I can also tell you a lot about drinking, sex, and maybe even politics. But right now you'll have to excuse me, I have to go talk to Rob about last night's Gossip Girl before we watch 90210...that Mr. Matthews is so dreamy!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Tonight I saw a screening of The Clone Wars. It's the next entry in the Star Wars film franchise...also known as "George Lucas needs a hand putting his great-great-great-great-grandchildren through college". The welcome change this time, however, is that the film - which takes place during the intergalactic conflict between Episode II (Awful Love Story) and Episode III (Franken-Vader Screams Noooo!) - is all done in a highly-stylized CGI format. Sounds like a fair amount of fun, right?

Well, the film carried on in a pretty mediocre manner for a while, which shouldn't really surprise anyone. For all intents and purposes, it's a cartoon. But is it aimed solely at the kiddies?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to my new favorite character in the entire Star Wars universe. His Ziro the Hutt.

The folks at Lucasfilm have finally, after more than 30 years, created a character even gayer than C-3PO. He showed up towards the end, just when I was about to completely lose interest in everything happening onscreen. Allegedly he's Jabba the Hutt's uncle. You know, because every family's got "that" uncle. And just like that uncle of yours, Ziro is without a doubt the black sheep of the family. Instead of Jabba-green, he's a fabulous shade of purple. He wears a feathered crown. He's got weird, tribal tattoos.

And he sounds like Truman Capote.

I'm not kidding. I was literally laughing out loud. To clear up any confusion - Ziro the Hutt speaks English, not just that faux-Jive that Jabba uses. His personal base is a tower in the seedy part of Coruscant that has basically been converted into a gaudy, neon-adorned gay bar. Senator Padme Amidala - depicted here as the Star Wars-equivalent to Barack Obama - has of course heard of him, and drops by to perform some deus-ex-machina responsibilities on the plot. And of course, they sent the girl to deal with Ziro.

Needless to say, he's been a naughty, naughty slug. And who gets sent in to rescue of-course-she-gets-captured Padme? Why, that butch, combat-ready C-3PO...naturally. Upon arriving at the door to Ziro's Pleasure Palace, he delivers the best line of dialogue in the entire 90 minutes:

"Well this part of town certainly isn't my part of town!"

Despite his denial, it's good to know that some things never change when it comes to our prissy, nelly little protocol droid. And as for Ziro? He may be just another downright dreadful character; a cringe-inducing by-product of the misguided prequels - but he's pure camp. So much to the point that for a split second I thought it had to be a joke..."this isn't going to be in the final cut, right?"

But he cannot be undone, and I think the world will be a better place for it. It's about time we started laughing with Star Wars, not just at it...even if that wasn't the filmmakers' true intentions. Ziro the Hutt, please take your rightful place next to the Star Wars Holiday Special. You're in good company.

Friday, August 8, 2008


Happy Friday! As my lunch draws to a close, I feel the need to share a couple of gifts the internet has given me this week. And it just so happens that they represent 2 of my favorite things: Shakespeare and drinking. I wish I could say that I'm responsible for what appears below, but others seem to have beat me to the ingenious punch. I will however, take credit for the photo above.

I'll start with the Shakespeare item. I've faced the facts - Facebook seems to be all the rage these days. Some might even say that it eclipses MySpace in its addiction rate and its ever-growing arsenal of personal stalking tools. So it was only a matter of time before the (funny) intellectuals started to use it for their own amusement. Thus, like the "If the USA had a Facebook page during the Civil War" I give you William Shakespeare's FB home page (click to make it BIG):

Brilliant. One of my favorite parts:
"Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family"

Gotta love that historical and literary humor, right?

Next up - drinking! I found this on a site that tries to re-connect jokes with their creators. Apparently no one has come forth to claim this gem...which tempts me to call it my own...but I'm sure its rightful owners will find it eventually. Observe (the picture is just a bonus):

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Stage #1 -- Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment
for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember!

So there you have it. I hope we've all learned something today. I'm off to finish up my day, so I can enjoy my night - which will definitely involve drinking and may even involve some Shakespeare...depending on how much I drink.