THE NECESSARY EVIL

Bridget searches for the mysteriously vanished Malcolm, Andrew and Olivia race to find Tyler's incriminating flash drive, Juliet finds herself in more scheme-related danger, and Siobhan finally levels with Henry. No, really!

We open on BY FAR the most laughable green screen to date, with Siobhan finally emerging from her hotel and wandering around "Paris". She thinks Tyler is on his way back from New York, but Henry politely informs her that yeah, he's a dead now. We get a chilling flashback that shows Siobhan's original confrontation re: Martin/Charles with Andrew, where he quite literally - seriously, there's no other way to interpret it - threatens to kill her. She hops a flight to Manhattan, shows up at Henry's door, and tries to be flirty. Nevermind that the guy she was banging was potentially just murdered by her husband. How about a roll in the hay first?

Henry's still not having it, though. He demands that she tell him everything, and for the first time in the history of the series...she actually does! The truth only leads to more crazy (obviously, it's Siobhan) when Shiv makes no bones about the fact that she deserves her own happiness, and that Bridget deserves to die for what she did to Sean. When you cut through all the lies and still find unbridled insanity, it's a testament to just how far the show is willing to take Shiv. She gets Henry on board, and they work together to speed up the "Andrew and Alien Cher Murder Bridget" plan. It involves her impersonating Bridget (impersonating Siobhan). The Ice Princess returns!

Agent Machado smugly confronts Macawi in Rock Springs, not realizing that his star witness Malcolm has predictably gone missing. This brings him back to New York (so many frequent flier miles!), where he actually manages to deduce on his own that Andrew was involved in the disappearance. It's not the most exciting story, but it doesn't slow things down, either. Hopefully Vic will just stay in New York for the rest of the season. He's wasting the bureau's money on airfare!

Juliet and Catherine are back from Canyon Ranch, and our favorite teenager meets a hot weirdo named "Cash Chilton" in the lobby of The Biltmore Plaza. He's got bloodied knuckles, an obnoxious tattoo, and an aggressive interest in getting her number. Since she still hasn't learned any lessons about trust, she gives it to him. Turns out he's the one that Catherine hired to beat the shit out of Tessa The Teenage Tormenter, and when Juliet puts the pieces together she freaks out and runs. She goes straight home to Bridget, who despite the manic, horrified look on her fake stepdaughter's face - is too busy to talk. She and Solomon have to get to the loft to find Malcolm!

How does it end? Andrew shows up at the rebuilt set of the loft to tell Bridget that he's not going to give up on them as a couple, despite all the death threats and other highly illegal activity. The text from Malcolm was bogus however, and Bridget assumes that Andrew is there to silence her...severely. Suddenly a masked man opens fire, and by the time Machado can lady-kick his way in, the shooter escapes and Andrew lays unconscious in Bridget's arms. He took the bullet for her!

And now, your photocap!

  

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I love love loved this episode. Excellent pacing, suspense, actual thrills...it was as good as last week's was (unfortunately) incoherent. The audience finally gets a firm grasp on Siobhan's motivations, which was a mystery that definitely needed to be solved. While there are no doubt still surprises to come, Shiv finally feels like a complete character. A maniacal, insane character. And with only 5 episodes left, you know she's only going to go further off the deep end!

YOU SLAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

As staggering as it may be to comprehend, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is 15 years old today! On March 10th 1997, Sarah Michelle Gellar made her daring debut as Kristy Swanson's replacement upgrade for the TV version of the silly cult film from 5 years prior. 

The WB was still a young network, under the wise-beyond-his-years leadership of Michigan J. Frog. Premiering at midseason, it seemed like a series that was destined to fail. But even after a rocky first season, Buffy would soon begin the climb towards cultural phenomenon - thanks to creator Joss Whedon's quirky vision, and a cast that grew into their characters right before the audience's eyes. 

A very happy birthday to Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel, Cordelia and Giles! And Harmony, too. "Welcome to the Hellmouth" has truly become a classic television pilot. There isn't much of Whedon in the 1992 film, but these 44 minutes (88 if you count "The Harvest") are 100% Joss. And if you've still never seen Buffy's beginning? Well, I only have one thing to say to you, in the immortal words of Cordelia Chase herself:

THE BALLAD OF SHAYLENE BRIGGS

Amidst the imminent collapse of Martin/Charles Financial, Bridget reels from the revelation of Andrew's secrets - and fears for her safety. We learn the tragic backstory of one Agent Machado in flashback, and Siobhan continues to act like a total bitch here in the present.

Bridget's paranoia works in her favor this week, as it turns out that Andrew may actually be a monster after all. In addition to the ponzi scheme he orchestrated, his desperation at the thought of literally losing everything turns him into a sort of rich, emo, psychopath. Malcolm voices his very logical concerns to Bridget, so naturally she takes the opportunity to shit all over him and kick him to the curb. She sees the error of her ways during some solo sleuthing, but it's too late! Siobhan (based on a tip from Henry, based on a tip from Malcolm) turns the tables on Bridget, and impersonates her on the phone - effectively keeping Malcolm away.

Meanwhile in DENVER, Machado's been taken off the Bodaway Macawi case and assigned to the Bodaway Macawi Task Force. Somehow they're two different things, and it opens up some barely-year-old emotional wounds for Vic. Y'see, the stripper whose murder Bridget witnessed - Shaylene Briggs, aka Patient Zero - was penis/vagina/heart involved with our favorite federal agent, and it was he who encouraged her to start a double life in the first place. We're led to believe that Macawi basically butchered poor Shaylene (she was going to get her real estate license!), along with the 4-week old Machado-Briggs fetus inside her. There are shades of Richard Alpert, and it actually is really sad. Silver lining: Stripper Bridget in flashbacks!!! She's got PURPLE highlights!

Back to business. Tyler gets tired of waiting for Siobhan to formulate her next 12 moves, and goes to the SEC with their combined evidence. Said SEC agent also happens to be Xerxes, and he blows the whistle to Alien Cher about Tyler's whistle-blowing. She convinces Andrew that something should definitely, definitely be done about both Tyler and Malcolm, and she would have winked to the camera if her face moved that way. She flies Tyler back stateside, and it goes something like this: She threatens him, takes some of the evidence, leaves, comes back, is presumably the one that shoots him in the head, and takes the rest of the evidence. Oh yeah - Tyler's totally dead. And he remained clothed for the whole of his last episode. Tragic.

How does it end? With Andrew - fully descended into madness - vaguely threatening his wife via voicemail, before showing up at Malcolm's door with full-on axe murderer face. Do the business partners that murder together stay together? We can't ask Catherine or Juliet, because they're "at Canyon Ranch" this week. Now, your photocap!

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There were a lot of stories this week that I just plain wasn't expecting. In the plus column, I'm really happy to learn why Machado is so invested in this case. Sure, I guess being in the FBI should be reason enough...but this is TV and sometimes those heartstrings need to be tugged. I found Shaylene to be an extremely likable character, so I hope we get to see more of her in future flashbacks. In the column that is not the plus, Andrew's about-face to evil has given me whiplash. 

I can't decide whether the best course of action is to kill more guest stars, or introduce them. Tyler was hot in a "I'm horny but the NyQuil is kicking in" kind of way, and the show won't miss him. But regardless, it raises the stakes. Andrew's villainy seems like it would be better suited to a different character...we're just out of options. This is ultimately why I love Ringer, though - and why I make it a point not to watch the promos each week - I never have any idea of where it will be heading next. And that's exciting. The possibilities are endless!

NO REST FOR THE WICKED

The fine line between who's scamming who is blurred even further on this week's Ringer. Wedding plans, corporate espionage, twice the baby drama, and Mr. C in a towel all make for a fast-paced episode...and don't forget about Xerxes!

Siobhan - still in Paris - is getting an ultrasound to check on the baby, only to discover that her previous doctor didn't know shit (her current OBGYN's point of view). She's having TWINS, because in case you forgot This is the story of two Sisters who share the same Face. The surprises keep coming, however, when Shiv realizes based on the updated conception date that they may actually be Andrew's children. She only drops the first bomb on Henry over the phone, while they conspire to bring down Bridget/Malcolm/Andrew/Claudine/Everyone.

At the penthouse, Andrew surprises Bridget with a cheesy horror movie night (I was secretly hoping it would have been I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, for cheeky fun), old fashioned popcorn machine and all. It's his somewhat odd way of asking "Siobhan" to marry him again. Bridget is naturally over the moon, because she still thinks there's a way that they can make this work. Malcolm puts his computer science degree to good use and analyzes some algorithms at Martin/Charles (don't ask) and eventually uncovers a ponzi scheme being orchestrated by Alien Cher. Bridget - looking through the eyes of sister-impersonating-love - doesn't want to hear it at first, but comes around to the truth after being tortured by wedding planners for a while.

Alien Cher is embroiled in a mysterious subplot of her own, receiving cryptic texts from "Xerxes" in regards to a mole at the office. She mercilessly fires Malcolm after catching him snooping on her laptop, blaming herself for hiring a drug addict. But the joke's on her, as Xerxes informs her that the mole is in Paris (maybe she shouldn't be so racist). 

The Trials and Tribulations of Juliet Martin forge on, as Mr. C calls to threaten her after he's questioned by the police for the coma whammy put on Tessa the Teenage Tormenter. She's clearly growing her soul back, and starts to feel remorse about everything she's done to her father. He's selling the loft (oh yeah, remember that place?) to make up for the millions lost in the settlement, and Juliet calls an emergency lunch with Catherine at the Los Angeles Biltmore Hotel somewhere in Manhattan to express her inner torment. Catherine offers to take care of Mr. C, and oh does she ever. WITH INTERCOURSE. When it seems that Juliet is again ready to squeal, Catherine and her boy toy skip town with his cut of the money. While he's showering in a motel room, she grabs that dough and heads back home. Y'know for a teacher, he's really not that bright. 

How does it end? In not very surprising news, we learn that Catherine was behind the hit on Tessa, but the identity of the shadowy enforcer she hired remains a mystery. Bridget comes clean to Andrew about Alien Cher's dirty dealings...only to face the confession that he, in fact, is the mastermind of the Madoff/Charles ponzi scheme. Dun dun DUN!

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I've really got to hand it to the writer of this week's episode, Robert Berens. Nothing felt like it was dragging on, and that's even more impressive when you factor in that there were multiple flashbacks. The difference? They actually aided in the storytelling, rather than bringing it to a screeching halt. And while I don't think anyone couldn't see Catherine's additional manipulations coming, I'm hard-pressed to determine who's doing her dirty work (seriously, who's left?!). Ringer kept it tight with "P.S. You're An Idiot", and the Andrew reveal has me questioning a lot. Kudos, and I can't wait for next week!